hi guys,

i'm a little confued today...

last night my brother knocked in to see mum....now heres where my problem is.
i didnt let him in, because one of my boundries is...that he doesnt call when my hubby isnt home....because the last time he called when he knew my hubby wouldnt be there and an argument broke out and he ended up hitting me.

so one of my boundries is that he doesnt call when he knows my hubby wont be there.

but theres a part of me that wonders if i am still doing he control thing.
you see my mu has alzhimers disease and i am her fulltime carer....because my two brothers didnt want to take on their responsiblities towards our mum.

i know we have to set reaonable boundries for ourselves...it would be much easier if i wasnt looking after mum, because they have to come through me to see mum, which i hate....because i'm not ready to deal with them....i cut off from my brothers 5 months ago in order to take a huge look at myself....with me running around after them i couldnt look at myself.
the strange thing is, that since cutting off from them, i've realised how little they do for me when i need them to...

am i setting down healthy boundries, or still doing the controling thing?

any suggestions would be greatly appiracitated.

love in recovery.

irish.

p.s this post is by the irish who started the forum....dont know wht i did, i mustn't have registered lol....
love in recovery
irish

Hi Irish,

I found out the same... for many years I had a very good income and was not married, had no children and was helping and paying things for relatives and then I married and got my own family, husband lost job, of course I just add to my shoulders... till I could not deal with it all anymore and had to cut down and saw myself needing help, what never came... doing the 12 steps I could see how I allowed it all to happen.

I am learning still how to focus on myself and not carry the world on my shoulders have no option, was too heavy and I couldn´t anyway!

You are doing the right thing. They can come when you husband is home. We do not have to let doors open all time so we can be hit again, and you know I am not saying about physically hit, and all the times our emotions were hit and we were turned down.

I am also learning how to do what I need to do to be sober and not be people pleasing, to think of what I need and that I too deserve to have a life.

Nice to be in touch!

Lucia

hi guys,
i have been reading your posts and finally noticed that you had asked for feedback on your position. as you pointed out, bounderies are healthy, and necessary for our well being. and they are just that, bounderies. not walls, barriers, or doors. they are just our own personal 'contract' with others that we require as a means of interacting. the boundery you have established and addressed here appears more than reasonable to me. and the manner in which you enforce it, seems pretty mature. i have in the past been the type that would go ahead and open the door but, be standing there with a baseball bat daring them to cross the threshold, so i could claim 'trespassing'.

legitimate bounderies are for introducing controls into a situation that could otherwise get out of control. that is not 'controlling', it is attempting to maintain some semblence of order and civility. it appears as though you are going the extra step to accomodate your brother. you don't have to allow 'any' contact in your presence or at your home. yet, you have. good for you. seems you are helping at least two people with this action. win/win solutions are always so much nicer.

keep the faith.
don

hi don
welcome to the board.
thanks for replying.

dont know if you recived my pm yesterday,
everything i seem to have posted yesterday seems to have vanished lol
hope to see you on the board again.

love in recovery.
irish