My 17 year old son is an admitted alcoholic/addict. He is currently in a rehab facility about 1 hour from my home.
He started drinking using when he was about 14 (as far as I know). We noticed his grades slipping and he was ditching school, that was our first clue that he was in trouble. This happened the second semester of 9th grade.
We got him involved in an out-patient group through our insurance company in fall of 2002. He would have short periods of sobriety, but did not achieve recovery. We got him into an in-house rehab in spring of 2003. He stayed there for 5 weeks and was introduced to AA. When he left the rehab, he was really on fire. He spent as much time as possible at the local alano club. He had 13 months sobriety when he relapsed (spring 04)
The relapse was really hard. He would relapse, go back to meetings, relapse, get a new sponsor, relapse....By December, he was totally out of control. He ran away from home 6 times from early December through late January, he stole our credit cards, money, cell phones, etc. We were at our wits end, because as the first step says, we really were (are) powerless over alcohol (the alcoholic).
Another problem that we had was in our home state (California), parents cannot force children to go to an in-house rehab, the child has to go willingly. Well, on 1/24, our son and his drinking/drugging buddy, stole my husband's work truck while we were asleep. When my husband got up to go to work the next morning, he found his truck in the driveway, with the headlights on and smelling like an ashtray. Thank God, the boys didn't get into an accident.
So, we gave our son a choice, rehab or jail for auto theft. He chose rehab. He went to a 30 day facility on 1/27, and was moved to another facility on 2/25. He seems to be doing much better and really wants to come home. We originally planned to have him in the second facility for 30 days, as our insurance only covers 60 days a year, but the facility staff offferd us a reduced daily rate so that we could prolong his treatment. That did not make my son happy at all. He thinks he's ready to come home. We miss him (that is our sober son) and would like to have him come home, but only if he is ready. Only God knows his heart. Its been a roller coaster ride to say the least.
Anyway, sorry to be so long-winded. I guess I just needed to vent!! This has been especially hard for my husband and I because we do not drink or use at all and we never wanted to have this in our home.

Dear Kathy,
I really feel for you and your husband. I couldnt image having to go through that as a parent. My Fiance who I am about to marry next month is an alcoholic/addict. I know how horrible it is to wait til they are done with a binge and see if they will actually make it home.
I cant offer you any advice only empathy, as I am new to this as well as Al Anon
I find it helps to look at this site and post messages as well as read others.
Whether its a child, parent,husband,wife or any other family member we all share the same feeling of being powerless, no matter what we do or how much we love the addict/alcoholic we can not make them stop hurting their selves. I really wish we could.
-Katie

Thanks for the response, Katie. You are right about us being powerless! My son was telling me the other day about him being powerless over his disease, and how difficult it was for him. I said, "Well, if you are powerless over it, how do you think your dad & I feel?!!"
My husband & I have started attending an in-person alanon meeting. Its hard to find the time for (especially since we spend so much time going to the rehab where our son is to visit or for family/parent meetings) but its been very helpful. Last night's topics were: depression & anxiety. I can so relate to both of those!
Does your fiancee have any sober time?

Hi,

Well when I read this it was just like deja vu. My son who is now 23 started his experimenting about the same age as yours. Like your son, mine has been in and out of out-patient, in-patient and a couple treatment centers. It has been hell. He was in a near fatal car accident when he was 15. He had gone to a party, got high on pot and was drinking and decided to take a strangers car for a joy ride. I got the dreaded call from the police around 3 in the morning...they didn't know if he was going to live, he was in a coma. Well he survived but had a brain injury plus severely broken heel on one foot and severely broken bones in the other leg. His nose was split wide open...hardly had one left. He was in the hospital for 4 weeks and in rehab for 2 weeks after that. He is physically fine now, but is still struggling with his addictions. I had been through all this with his father and have attended alanon on and off for a long time - which helped me immensely. His dad and I split up - which was a good move on my part. Dealing with this with his dad was hard enough, but it is twice as hard dealing with your child that has this problem. It hurts my heart so bad. I wish so badly that he didn't have this disease but he does and I have to accept it.

He moved back home a couple of months ago. I set some boundaries and rules for him to follow and it went well for a little bit but he has not followed my wishes - so my fiance and myself are going to have a talk with him again tommorrow nite. He will have to find somewhere else to live and according to him it will be on the streets. This is going to be another hard time for me, but with the support here and the help of God I am confident I will find the strength.

Bless you guys and good luck. Remember - you can't control it, you can't fix it and you didn't cause it!

Hi,
Thanks for your response. When we first discovered my son's drug/alcohol abuse, we felt alot of shame. One good thing that the many parent groups and alanon meetings (both in-person and online) have shown us is that we are not alone. It is amazing how many people are in similar situations. Addiction seems to know no boundries, people from all walks of life are suffering as we are.
We also spent (especially me) way too much time playing the blame game. At one point, one of our family counselors said, "Why are you blaming yourself, did you put a gun to your son's head and force him to drink or use?"
Anyway, I guess you are having your family meeting tonight. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. If you have to ask your son to leave, don't feel bad, you have to do what is right for you. What he said about being forced to live on the street is probably a manipulation tactic. I'm sure there is a halfway house, sober living facility or shelter that he can go to when he's ready for some help. Its so hard waiting for them to make the decision to get sober. I want so badly to help my son get healthy, but I know that he has to do that on his own.
At the moment he seems to be doing better, but he's still in the rehab facility. We are very blessed to have been given the opportunity to leave him there until the end of the summer if we choose. I'm hoping and praying for a miracle for my son and yours.
Kathy

[SIZE=7][[B]] Hi Kathie from Los Angeles area. we or maybe our sons know eachother I live in Simi Valley,and as I read a few replys, yep sound like my son who started 'we think?' about 13-14, a disabled man down the street,gave all the young kids in the neighborhood on his Gov. alotment, so he could sell them pot,and he had a midley retarted son the same age as all the other kids that lived with him. Well he died about 21/2 yrs ago,only 46. My son was already in the Salvation Army program,then 6-7 other kids from our area came into the program,see they lost their contact, But not one stayed clean, some went on to be worse. So we have been battling this for 15-15 yrs,my son will be 28 in May, I don't know what happened but he is finally shapping up, his attitote[?], he has stopped hanging around the bad kids as much,but then again most of them are in Jail or in a long term program. He works part-time at the Salvation Army,the days he has off he mostly stays home, is trying to do more with the family, so there is hope,even though I'am waiting for the other shoe to drop. We also threw him out had to get a Restrating order, he went down hill fast,lost his job,was really eating out of garbage cans,was skin & bones,and I would see him around town,which tore my heart out,but I had to do it. Does the name 'Cary' or 'Action' mean anything to you? Its a parent/teen group,but my son was 21 when we took him to the meetings,so he got nothing out of itI 'KNOW' your doing all the right things,even if it hurts you, you only have another yr. then you lose more rights. We'll have to change numbers,so you can vent to me, one guy from the center stayed in contact with 'Greg'...'Phil' went on to school to become a counseler, now he calls a few times a wk. and working at the center helps. But I hae no idea what or why he turned around,hes still a annoying person to be around,but Its like a new person has moved in, the phrases[?] are flying at him all the time, I even stoped calling him 'Bad Son' I just hope your son makes it to, I know how hard it must be not to drink, does your son have any hobbies of any kind? See mine really has none at all,he like to mess around with Elect. equipment, other wise nothing else, so he has to be board as *H*, but he is picking up the video games little by little, but I'll let him take up anything[except drinking again]. I'll take any ideas anyone has to help him adopt any kind of hobbie. The Boss at the S.A. store is an old frind I knew from H.School around Chicago,so he knows to tell me if 'Greg is screwing up, Larry [boss] was in back in the center with my son and likes him,so all those little thinge help. Kathie I don't know what to tell you what happened to turn him around,or I'd pass the secret along,I don't want you to go through another 10 yrs, untill your son turns 27. Kathy I live close to you and am willing to help you anyway I can,so we'll exchange numbers and with all of us we'll keep these punks on the right track...'Carry' from 'Action' would always say the light at the end of the tunnel isn't always the train. I didn't know we were susposta put our profiles on this site, my husband just had a 10 hr. Cancer surgey,so I'am just getting back to cleaning everything up. I'am glad to have a chat friend that lives so close,& I'am willing to help you in any way I can. Good Luck, I'll keep you in my prayers. Hugs, Pegi

Hi Pegi,
Thanks for the response. First of all, congratulations on your son's sobriety! And he has a job working at the salvation army. I think that's great. He probably comes in contact with people who are struggling, hopefully that will remind him of where he used to be and cause him not to want to return. Does he attend AA or any other 12-step group? Does he have a sponsor? I'm so glad that he's doing well. Maybe he reached his "bottom". I pray that is the case.
You know, when my kids were little, I had all of these dreams for them. Now, I just want them to be happy, healthy, lawabiding, sober people. I really don't care what kind of careers they have as long as they can do the above! I also have a 19 year old daughter who DOES NOT use or drink, thank God!!!
I'm not familiar with "Cary" or "Action". We live in the South Bay area, our son is in a rehab in Orange County. My husband & I go to family & parent meetings once a week, and we have recently started attending an in-person alanon meeting. All of the above have been very helpful as well as this online meeting. My dad and sister are also recovering alcoholics they have 10 & 6 years sober, respectively. So I know there is hope. Anyway, because of my experience growing up with alcohol/drugs, I got turned off to it entirely. My husband & I have not touched alcohol at all or allowed it in our home, so it was really hard when our son started using. He was introduced at school.
He does seem to be making some progress at the rehab. I think I mentioned that it is a 12-step program, so he's working the steps with his sponsor and with the counselors at the rehab. His main hobby is the guitar. He seems to have some talent. I try to encourage that.
How's your husband doing? We'll remember him in prayer...
Anyway, I would love to talk with you anytime. We could do phone, this website or email. I'm just not sure how to exchange info...this seems like too public of a place??? Am I a big cynic or what!! Working on that.
Kathy

[B]

Hi

I am an alcolic, also adult children of alcoholic.

You can send more private information using the PM, Personal Message. To do so, click in name (nick) of the person you want to send the message, it will open a page with some more information about the person and an option to send PM. The PM is only viewed for the one you are sending it and pehaps the administrator of the site (not sure of it, but it is a probability). So it is a better way to exchange informations like e-mail adress and phone. Nothing in internet is 100% secure, but yes, can have more privacy and is absolutely not desirable to post e-mail adresses or phones numbers in open borders.

Hope it was of any help.

Hugs,
Lucia

Hi Lucia, Thanks for the tip. I thought Kathy lived closer then she does,yes she answered me. Do you know about Computers, I know enough to get along,but I have been having a problem and everyone I asked has no idea either. Lets see if you can help.
I got a message from Al-Anon that there was a message left for me, then an address to click on, that should of taken me right to your message. Well I clicked ...waited awile and clicked again,still didn't open. But this time and it has happened before, I closed my mail & your message was there,or sometimes it just just won't open at all. Hope I explained my problem well enough,do you know how I can fix it or what did I do to cause it to happen?? If you have no idea thats fine to, I just thought that sooner or later I will find someone that knows, what I did and how to fix it.
But thanks for you taking the time to tell me how to give another member private information about me. That was very nice of you,hope to talk to you soon. Hugs, Pegi

Hi Pegi,

I am not a computer wiser, wish I was!

I hope someone else that have the answer read and answer to your post.

And yes hope we meet in chat room some day

Hugs,
Lucia