hi guys,

hope your all having a good weekend

anyway recently i was thinking about something my counsellor said...she told me that " we teach ppl how to treat or respect us"

and i've realised that there are somethings that my hubby does that i find totally inconciderate.

one of them being, when we go for a drive he puts on HIS kind of music.....and when i say anything about changing the music, he says "i rearly get to use the car , so i think i should be able to listen to my music.....and rather than argue i just accept it.

the other thing is, when we decide to watch a video, he just walks into the sitting room and switches off the fire without a word to me.

these two things irratate the hell out of me, but rather than argue i accepted it...


until last night.


we were about to watch a movie when in he strools and switches off the fire....
i could feel myself boiling away, but i didnt explode....

i just said" does it ever accure to you that i might be cold?

he said defencively" well i'm roasting"

this set the mood for the night and we watched the movie in silence and both of us sat at either end of the sofa....then we went to bed without sayin a word.


i thought of making the first move and talking to him, but then i though maybe he will think that tis behaviour is acceptable....so i didnt talk to him and we both had a sleepless night.

this morning while i was having my moring cuppa he came over and sat down and said" i want to aploigise for last night and for the two things that you mentioned"

i told him i didnt want everything my own way, but i do want to be concidered.

and he agreed i was right to ask him to stop doing these things as he wouldnt like it if i did it on him.

so we kissed and made up.

later when we were going on a drive i waited for his music to go on, but he put on something we both like.

i'm so glad that i brought this up with him, and didnt just accepted it.

cause accepting unacceptable behaviour, is what makes it acceptable

love in recovery
irish

I know it works. To take control of your own rights and validate yourself, because if you don't, no one else will. Getting a positive responce is so wonderful! However, when I first started to speak up for myself, no response came. We just kept at separate ends of the couch "so to speak" , even separate rooms. Finally, I became comfortable with being by myself and then he began to listen more often.
When they figure out we aren't going to fold up, but be nice and not enabling to unacceptable behavior, respect comes. It took me years to finally see that, but now I do! I don't know if I just stumbled upon it or if my numbness from invalidation abuse just took it's tole. I was not "nice" about having to validate myself at first. I guess I was so surprised at even doing it, I felt being defensive about it was what I had to do. I even became numb about that, so I closed up sort of. Oh, I continued to speak up of course, I just did'nt exert any energy in showing defensiveness at the same time. And behold! I discovered that in quietness and confidense I discovered a real strength.

Thank God!