Hi, I'm E-Man and I'm an addict.
I've been in and out of recovery for years now and today I want back in.
The topic I've suggested may draw other recovering addicts into this disscusion
who may have dealt with this problem and can help me.

I know that I must first get clean and start from there but I can't help but feel
that just being clean will in itself make me happy and exited about life again.
I know this from experiance because being clean has never stopped me from using again. And since I've started using again I obviously must have not been very happy while I was clean. And I'm certinly not happy now.

Maybe some of you good people with some clean time can help me stay clean in recovery.

I've decided to go to a meeting today for the first time in years and that is what helped me find this website. I was online looking for a meeting in my town and stumbled across this site. This is a good thing to have for people seeking help like myself. Thank you.

Hi, E-Man. Welcome. There is also a NA email meeting here at the Club. You can subscribe, if you're interested, here: http://www.onlinealano.org/html/meetings.html

I don't know if you're like me, but stopping, just getting clean and sober was not the problem. I used and drank because there were things lacking in my life and things I didn't know how to do without drugs and alcohol.

What I had to do was change my thinking and my behavior. That's what the Steps are about.

Going to meetings can be helpful in a variety of ways. But meeting attendance is not the program of recovery. The Steps are the program of recovery.

Do you have a sponsor?

Hi Dean, No I haven't gotten a sponser yet. Yesterday was my first time back in the rooms of NA in about 3 years. I did meet someone I know who has about 10mos. clean time though. I got his phone# and a couple of other guys numbers at the meeting. I'm determined to go to 90 in 90 so I'll be getting to know other people in recovery. Once I get to know some of the older members I'll select someone to ask to sponser me. Until then I'll just go to meetings and listen. Take and follow whatever suggestions people can give me and hopefully let people get to know me. So far the suggestions were "Take it easy and Give myself a break."

Hi, E-Man: my name is Cathy and I am an addict. Welcome. For me, quiting was the easy part. Staying quit was the hard part. I agree with Dean in that we used to change the way we felt about everything. I found that it is important to live "as if" I had to live my way into a new way of thinking, not think myself into a new way of living. My best thinking is what got me into trouble in the first place. I started living "as if" I believed in a higher power, "as if" I knew what everyone was talking about in meetings, "as if" whatever... I also discovered that happiness is an inside job. I am the only one who can make myself happy. I can't count on another person to do that for me. That has probably been the hardest thing for me is getting comfortable in my own skin. Once I reached that point I was ready to have a relationship with someone else. I know this covers a lot but it will all come together for you as long as you take it one day at a time. Don't worry about all the tomorrows, just today. Do the next indicated right thing, suit up and show up, do the footwork, and the bottom line for me was DON'T USE - NO MATTER WHAT!

HI E-Man. I'm Heather and also an addict. I just found this site today and am kinda excited. I came across your posting and am just feeling the need to reply I have not been clean for very long. 15 days but i can relate to what u are saying I know that i must stay clean to find happiness. It has been hard for 4 years I have been on and off I got in the program in Jan and continued to use for 4 -5 months. I know that staying clean is the only way i can be happy b/c i just remember how crazy and screwed up my life is because of using. I hope that u are doing better and hope to chat with u some more.

Heather,
You are right just being clean is not going to make you happy. First you have to want to learn a new way of dealing with your life. Getting into the program and WORKING the program to the best of you ability will help you. By doing what is suggested in the 12 steps, you will learn about yourself and why you return to using. Some of us have to try many times because we do not how to be honest with ourself let alone others. Do not feel bad if you are in that group. Find a sponsor. One who you feel has something you want. Ask for help. The one thing you learn is that all you have to do reach out and ask. For some of us that is a very hard thing to do. It was for me.
Remember we all have a story. Not any of them will surprise or shock most of us.
There are things that I have done that now I understand why and have learned to accept them as a part of life. My expreience makes who and what I am today. Some things I am ashamed of to this day but I accept that and go on.
Through working the steps is how I have been set free. Remember this is a program of suggestions. We all learn through each other. That is how I stay clean and sober. I am always listening to others who have been where I am at. Listen to what they have done to get through whatever it is. Sometimes it is the newcomer who helps the most and then sometimes one of the old timers kick me in the butt. All have helped. You just need be willing.
Good luck to you and keep me posted.
Patty W

[I]

Hey E-Man,
I was clean for almost five years and I started back using again. My life became absolutely miserable after a while. It was was like, I couldn't get high and enjoy it anymore after awhile the unmanageability set in and I found myself almost homeless.
This was after I ruined thee great job, lost girl, lost all of my material stuff.
I did step work in the past, but no of it was honest. I had too many secrets that I wass keeping.... from myself. It wasn't like noone knew who I was or accepted me. I didn't accpet me. And I couldn't stay clean. Now I show up. I dfo honest step work. So that I can take a look at me and help me where I need help the most... my thinking. I have a sponsor that I have built a relationship with and I'm also in service.
When I came back to the rooms of NA someone aske me what I was going to do different. I work one day at a time on me and stay out of my own way.

[COLOR=purple] e-man i just joined this site, and i am glad that i read your entry! first of all I am a recovery addict named tami, I have a little over 6 yrs. clean. I had attempted to get clean one time before and i ended up using but, through lots of hard work and that relapse i now know why I used. i tried the other fellowship a only to find out after my use, that i was in the wrong place trying to help what ailed me. i am not knocking the other fellowship but after really looking at what i was doing before my relapse i discovered that i was not in the right place. I was hiding out from reality , for me. see even though a drug is a drug i could not identify with powerless over a chemical, the degradation, the loss of responsibilty, the unmanageability of life, while doing AA meetings, because i did not endure any of that while drinking. i was accountable not only did i have a job, but i showed up. my bills were paid , house was in order and my child was very well taking care of, now what i am saying is that drugs brought me to my knees! today i can understand that a drug is a drug but back then i could not, because i had no negative consequenses to my drinking, but today i can identify with it, because i am very educated about the disease of addiction. see in order to even begin to get a clue we need to be completley aware of how our disease functions. see picking up is the last phase of a relapse it starts with thinking, we MUST change everything about ourselves, thoughts attitudes and behaviors.or we are doomed! the person i am today is not the person i was 6 years ago, and it is only through gods grace, a sponser, the basic text, meetings and fellowship have i learned how to start a new life. see recovery for me is not a thing it is a lifestyle, so everything changes.and keep in mind that even with all this, the final decisions is still yours! all this is just tools to help you maintain your life, you must do the foot work! its all here for you all you have to do is take it, no one can make you stay clean. just a little suggestion, when you are at a meeting and you are listening to someone share, give yourself a break and try to identify with what they are talking about, the feelings , the thoughts etc. see in order to truly identify you must be able to relate, don't compare stories identify with the insanity of chasing the ghost! hang on no matter what because tomorrow is not promised to anyone, but if you don't pick up, you may get tomorrow as a gift from god, another day clean a step closer to living again, another chance at happiness! another day to thank god for waking you up,remember if you pick up you might not wake up! may you have a truly blessed day, and if no one else told you that they love you today, I LOVE YOU!
don't give up everyday won't be easy or perfect but it's a start!