Greetings all. So glad to have stumbled on this site and board. Been looking for an ACOA meeting near me for months but have found there are none so I have been attending an Alanon "Adult Children" meeting once a week with my husband. Better than nothing at all but disappointingly not very adult child oriented. The meeings are on Wed night and I found myself in desperate need of a meeting sooner but even if there was an "Adult child" meeting available, I am unable to get to one until Wednesday.

I grew up the child of alcoholic parents and used to go to alateen/alanon years ago but stopped in my 20s for assorted reasons, the largest being that I physically removed myself from my "birth" family for my own survival. Recently my husband started seeing a therapist for stress related reasons and she suggested to him that he attend ACOA or alanon due to issues stemming from dealing with his own alcoholic mother and siblings. I was thrilled because I had been feeling for the last year that I needed to return to the rooms myself. We decided to go together. It has been a rocky start for him ... new territory and all but he is now verbalizing better than before and we, at least for now, have stopped snipping at each other because of her and the siblings.

Of course, through all of this, we have discussed new ways of dealing with the old problems, when it's time to say "we're going home now", and other issues. Tonight however, I felt myself wanting to kick him in the shins because he was actually stirring the pot of discord himself. I sat there like a dear caught in the headlights of an oncomming truck and physically felt myself becomming sick to my stomach. On the way to the grocery store to pick up dinner for the 3 of us, I gently suggested that he need not stir the pot himself when there are other family members who do enough of that on their own.

The problem is, as the months go by and the stresses of our own personal situation (we are 2 of tens of thousands of victims of a mortgage servicing company that is trying to fraudulently foreclose on our home -been going on since 2001 on our case) continue, along with the stress his family adds, I am increasingly feeling the desire to cut bait and flee. I've told him this several times but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. In other words, I tell him, things change for a few days to give me some stress relief and then the next week we are right back where we were. Please dont' get me wrong, I do love my husband with all my heart but the stress is killing me.

Most days I feel like I am the only functioning adult in the "family". His mother has always drank but lately she has become nasty and inappropriate in her behaviors, to the point of embarassing us in front of our own friends. Her other 2 sons do not help at all, both are active drunks, one lives on the other side of the country and the other is so caught up in his own world that the only time he has time for the family is when there is something in it for him. For my own sanity, I have tried to place personal limits on how much I will be involved with all of them but I always end up giving in to keep the peace between my husband and I.

I have been trying to be patient with the process of my husband's own discovery through alanon. I have been trying to be understanding that each must come to his or her own place of dealing (as I like to call it) in their own time and way. However, it gets harder and harder for me to participate with a peaceful mind and cheerful outlook, especially when she or her other boys push my buttons. The harder I work my own program, the less I want to be around any of them.

I feel silly now that I have written all this out but I also feel relieved to have gotten it off my chest. There is always hope that tomorrow will be a better day and I have to keep reminding myself of that. Anyway... thanks for providing the space here... it does feel good to be able to tell someone all of this.

Peace to all,

J.

hi J,:-)
welcome to the board.

gald your here.

i read your post and was kinda transported back in time to my own family situation.

my hubby did as you do, in the hope that one day i would realise how dysfunctional my family was.
and god love him he put up with my family of origin for nearly 20 years.

looking back now, i can see so clearly what he tried to point out to me all those years ago, but i just didnt see, mainly because i didnt want to see it.

i went from crisis to crisis and never realised that there was another way of doing things.

recovery has giving me the tools to not get dragged in anymore.

all i can say is to keep your own boundries.
my hubby always gave in to me for the sake of peace, but because of this he found it very hard to stick to his personal boundries with me....

thankfully for me and him,he was on a 12 step program, hes been sober 25 years.

but since i came to acoa he has told me that its so much easier for him to stick to his personal boundries, because he now knows that i wouldnt be in his face if he didnt do things my way.

by the way, never feel silly about whatever you feel...i'm sure all of us have vented at some time or another.

love in recovery,
irish

Thanks for the kind words Irish.

Every day is a battle to balance my personal boundries with that of my desire to keep peace in our household. Luckily, my husband does his best to be mindful that I am only human and that there is only so much I can deal with/tolerate and the instances of fighting are becoming less frequent.

We are lucky, lucky, lucky, blessed, blessed, blessed ... both children of alcoholics/addicts but neither with a substance problem ... both realizing that if we decide to have children we want something more and better than what we respectively had growing up ... both knowing that change begins with us. We can make it different for ourselves and future generations.

Today I kept reminding myself how blessed I truely am to have the ability to make choices with a clear mind. Today I kept remindng myself that just as I cannot change others, only myself, I do not have to allow others to affect me in ways that change me for the worse. Of course, being at the MIL's house all day caused me to remind myself every 5 minutes or so.

Life is all in what you make it!

Peace,

J.

I spent most of my life banging my head against the wall, only I did not know I was doing it.

Sunday is mother's day. I have no wish to be with my family and I am not going to lunch with them. I used to feel it as obligation and would go even against my will. Like many other things I used to do against my needs and will, because was a have to. Took me a lot to understand it is ok to take care of myself.

Last year I took my mother and others family members to nice restaurant at my expenses, thinking I was doing my part (obligation)... while I was there trying to please them I got myself exaust and let my sick dog at home. My dog died few days later. My family was unpleased at lunch, desagreeing between themselves and complaining with me about all. I had a hell of a time, did not take care of what i wanted and needed and did not meet their requirements. I never did. Was thinking today about it. I never did enough to my mother. In her perspective. Or to my siblings. In their perspective.

More than time to stop banging my head against the wall.

And they will probably have a better time there without me trying to fix everything.

Unfortunatelly, I did not have this knowledge one year ago.

hi lucia,

gosh dont i know what you mean about OBLIGATION.
the number of times i have put thigs off or didnt do something that i had planned to do because of obligation is unreal.

i never realised that taking care of myself was ok until i came into recovery.
that it was ok to say no when asked to do something, ok to say sorry i cant go there when asked to go somewhere with someone.
i was always a yes person!!!!!!!!!!

if someone asked me to fly to the moon and back i am sure i would have put so much effort into doing what i was asked.....because i hated o let ppl down, it didnt occure to me that i was letting myself down by not looking after myself.

i experianced this again the other night when i was shopping with my friend, she said" drop senad off at his flat on your way" i just said" no, i'm too tire i'm going stright home....hes welcome to a lift as far as my place but he'll have to walk the rest of the way"
well you should have seen the look on her face.
she couldnt believe that i had refused lol.
and when i got to my place i stopped and said goodnight to her fella and he looked like he sucked on a lemon, cause she hadnt told him that i was only dropping him as far as my house....but thats between them, its nothing to do with me.

looking after ourselves is a must! its not something we should let slide because someone else wants us to do something for them.

i live by the saying that i never do for someone what they can and should do for themselves

that doesnt mean we cant be helpful when ppl really need help, it just means that we dont get suckered into being a gofor for ppl who can do it themselves.
love in recovery.
irish

You hit the nail on the head with that part.

I also tend to feel that I MUST go to family functions etc. just because I am asked. I have finally said "No, I will not do a Sunday dinner at sister's house." or "No I will not attend that function because......" I have finally gotten over the obligation factor and now choose when and where I am willing to meet family and friends.

I have even stepped it into my work relationships. My kids are my #1 responsibility, if work conflicts with something I promised my kids then I will say no I can't work that day/shift as my work schedule changes and does require some amount of flexability on my part. However a year ago I would have just said yes and then disappointed my kids because work was more important...but I realized that I have to put my kids and hubby first because their well being and happiness also affects my happiness. I have started taking time to read for my own enjoyment, do crafts for charity (I like to knit but can only make so many scarves or hats for myself...LOL), and just leave the house for alone time.

I too was the "responsible one" growing up. Mom needed something from the store, I went, friends needed notes from school I would run them out to them or write out my notes and deliver them, sister needed a sitter on short notice I was there to watch her kids even if I had already made plans. I have now put myself and my family's needs first....that means that if we want to take the kids out on Sunday and someone phones asking if we want to go to dinner it is now a simple "Sorry but we promised the kids McDonalds maybe next week"...that puts the ball back in their court as to whether next week works for them or not.