hello. i am pretty new to this program. i have 60 days clean and sober. but i am having a hard time because i feel the need to talk about What Happened. my parents are LDS and do not understand the addict mind. they are wonderful, but i really need to talk to someone that knows where i am.so, if you can help, please.

i have had depression and panic disorder for years. this past winter, i lost my job, and i started to isolate. for 3 months the only person i would allow near me was my boyfriend. we had recently bought a house, and it turned out to be a really bad deal. so i was going to lose the house. my credit is shot, and * A * (we will call him that) want to keep the house. he was working and taking care of me. driving my car, his was broken. me in the house all day alone no money no way to leave if i wanted. i started to get worse. i awoke in the hospital one afternoon. i apparantly overdosed on god knows what, but A would not talk about What Happened. nothing. i had no memory of what happened. still dont. 3 weeks later, he came home, and said "see you later. i cant do this anymore." it was the last thing i could take, and i snapped. first i tried to suffocate myself in the trunk of my car. didnt work. so i got a bottle and took a shot, took a pill.....and put a bag over my head. i wanted to die. really did. i know its selfish, but unless you have been there, you dont know the limited capacity you have when in that mindset. sure, life COULD be great again, but i was done trying and failing. even if i had the chance to have a perfect life, garanteed, i would not of taken it. i was done. but my higher power thought differently. i went into rehab for 35 days. it was good, but noone would talk to me about the suicide attempt. either one. or about how i miss A so much. i dream about him nightly. it is driving me crazy, and i dont know what to do. i need to talk about it. my mom says that if i just work my program that everything else will fall into place. and i know that. but i really feel like i need to address this. i pushed him over the edge. half was his fault, but half was mine too. help?

Hi Jessica,

I understand you. I have been there. Loss is the most difficult thing to deal with. I do not know how to deal with it yet. But the good thing I see that you can hold to, is that none of your loss is a definitive loss. Nobody died.

Your boyfriend may be back to you some day. Maybe not. But he is well and alive, taking care of himself. I know you miss him. I know that hurts and is almost more than one can take. It is very difficult to be away of someone we love and need to be close. But he is not gone forever. Maybe you gonna end up just friends.

Nobody knows where your feeling will be when you get more time in your sobriety, maybe you will discover you still love and want him, maybe you will feel you love but do not want or need him anymore. We do not know the future. But by now, the real good thing is that you love him and he is alive. Some of the people I loved the most are gone, dead and beared. I won´t see them again. That is a pain I wish I could stop and sometimes I want bad to not be here anymore too. But is not for me to decide. My HP has other planns. And there is some people I love dearly that are alive and my death would hurt deeply. I want to be here for them. Some of them depend on me to survive. So I need to keep going.

Don´t be away from your parents. Even if don´t talk much, give them a hug and let them hug you.

Go to meetings. Yes, just go. Do not think much about it. Action. Go and do not worry about anything but be there and be open. Let them if they come to hug you and hug too ( I know how difficult it is when we want to just isolate in a corner). It was amazing when I start my meetings. I was in US (I am brazilian) and very insecure about my English skills, so I would just listen. But from day one some people came to talk to me and hug me and made me feel I was wanted there, in one of that moments in my life I was thinking nobody really cared or understood. They did and I was not alone anymore.

I also go to a psychoanalist and do therapy. If that is available to you, you may want to do it too.

And yes, online helps lots, between the f2f meetings we keep in touch.

I nor even know where you are, but I relate so much to what you saying I had to reply imediately after read it. I hope it is of some help.

Love in recovery,
Lucia

thank you! you helped a lot. i will keep going, i just needed to vent. thanks for listening!

Hi Jessica,

Knowing that you are in place where you feel surrounded by loss is a hard place to be. Try not to live back there in the loss. Anytime we lose someone we love it hurts. It does not matter how. You have the the knowledge that the person is still here with us not buried and gone. Time will tell what will happen with that relationship. What you need to do is take care of you.
You said your parents are LDS, but you did not mention if that is how you were raised. I was raised in the LDS church. I know that your parents love you and only want what is best for you. I do not go to LDS church anymore. But that does not mean that everthing we learned as children is still not with us.
Pray a lot to your HP. The answers will come. Not always are the easy to see, hear or read but htey are there. You lived through all this so just do this one day a t time. Each day will get a little better. It has for me.

Take care and good luck to you,
Patty

thanks patty. i was raised lds. but i am no longer a member. i am very grateful for the loving home that i grew up in. and for the support i am getting from my family now. it is just hard sometimes cause i cant really talk to my mom because she doesnt understand the suicide attempts or the relationship i had with A. meetings every day are very helpful. and the daily surrendering to my HP gets me another 24.

Hi Jessica,
LDA. Latter Day Saints? I am afraid I don't know what that means so I am taking it that it's Mormon? That's a rough one. I am originally from Northern Ohio and there are a lot of Amish people living up there. They also have pretty strict rules and are frowned on if they go outside of their faith.
Do you consider it that you have a drug problem? If so, try following some of the suggestions that NA or AA set down for us. Pray, take an inventory of what happened, discuss it with another person in an NA or AA fellowship and try to figure out what your character defects where. Then appologize to who ever you might have to and move forward in your life. I have found when I do that, the stuff I didn't understand and that is laying on the ground in the behind part of my life sort of just up and straightens out. It's our Higher Powers magic, at least that's what I think. If we do our share She/He does his share.

I might make another suggestion. One my girlfriend was told by her sponsor to do. Make a list of all the things you want in a husband (boyfriend) then like all the rest of our lists just tuck it away someplace and take it out and look at it a year from now. I'll bet you have found you have moved closer to what you want in a man. I'll bet you date one or two men or maybe more and each one gets a little closer. Just remember we have to kiss a lot of frogs to find that prince. LOL

Also the old boyfriend, try to remember it was a sick relationship and that to become well you both have to be working toward getting well. It can't be just you doing the work. See --- people don't get into sick relationships, generally, unless they have some problems also.

Hang in there. It will get better.
Hugs,
PamW