Hello I am new to all this and new to the board. Here is a little about what is going on. I have been married for 8 years. I knew he loved his beer and so on before we got married. But he promised he would slow down and quit. Well after 8 years it has not stopped. I should have known better, but I loved him and thought the drinking would not bother me as much as it does.

He drinks a few beers everyday. Some times he brings out the harder stuff, but he pretty much sticks to beer. I worry about him driving the kids around when he is drinking and so on... I know you all have heard this kinda of story before, but this is all new to me.

The kids have helped me put him to bed a few times because he has gotten so drunk he could not take care of himself. He pees on me sometimes in the middle of the night because he can't or will not get up. He has pee'd on our sons floor all over his clothes and so on, I have to clean everything up and I am getting sick of it.

I told him a few weeks ago I was done and that it was me or the beer. I told him I wanted a divorce, and he said what ever I wanted to do. Well, we talked and I am sticking around till I can get some bills paid off, I cant make it on my own right now with all the kids.

I asked him if he loved me enough to give up drinking for 6 months so we could work on us and make us whole again. He said that he would cut back but would not give it up. ( he is outside right now with his beer) I asked him if he loved me eoungh and he said "I love my beer" and I asked what about me and the kids. He said I love you all to, but I love my beer and I am not giving it up.

I am so lost and don't know what to do anymore. Am I wrong for wanting out of this, or should I stay and just overlook his drinking. My father told me to keep my mouth shut and just be a good wife. But that is so hard to do. I don't want to have sex, because the sweat smells like beer and I don't like the way he is when he is drinking, even when he is not getting drunk and only having a couple beers.

He thinks he is not wrong because he does not get drunk everytime he drinks. But I think it is wrong when the kids see him drinking and then doing things around the house, or going to the corner store. That is not teaching them right.

We get along okay for the most part, but we do have other problems and the drinking just makes everything else bigger.

I just need some advice from others who will understand what I am going through. I am worried for my kids and for my self. He does not hit me or anything, but he blames me for his drinking and I don't see how it is my fault when he has always been like this even with his first wife.

I am sick of crying and sick of pretending all is okay when inside I am dieing. He has pushed me so far away I don't see a way back. He will not get help he says he has no problem and that he will never give up drinking his beer. So were does that leave me in his life?

Sorry this is so long, I just have NO ONE to talk to ....
Thanks for reading...
anotherwife

I'd suggest Al-Anon. We have an Al-Anon forum here, and an Al-Anon email meeting, but they aren't all that active right now. Check to see if there's an Al-Anon group near you. There's a meeting locator on the primary Al-Anon web site: http://www.al-anon.org

No, it's not your fault. Yes, you do need to start living your own life.

hi

Please get to an Alanon meeting close to your house. In Alanon we learn to focus in ourselves and take care of our lifes. To dettach with love is one of the goals. Yes, there you will meet many that had been where you are and can share Experience, Strengh and Hope. They will tell you about the 12 steps to recover. The alcohol disease affects not only the alcoholic, but the whole family. Alanon helps us to live with or without the alcoholic in our lifes. It is not about them, it is about us.

I have been in Alanon meetings as I have been around alcoholics my whole life. But when I married my husband was already a sober alkie doing AA program. He just celebrate 25 years of sobriety. But it is not in your power to sober your husband, he will do if he wants it, when he does... That I can tell also as an alcoholic myself. Even been married to an alcoholic who was doing AA, I did not get it till I wanted for myself. I guess my husband been so long sober himself and having done the 12 steps helped him to deal with me and my problem as I was an active drinker for most of our marriage.

what am saying is that there is a program to the ones who drinks, thats AA, and a program to the family and friends of drunks, thats Alanon. Some of us goes to both. In any of them, the focus is in who is attending. You can only change yourself. But the good news is that you can do it and live a better life

Glad to meet you

thanks for your posts. I am scared to go to the meetings. I ust moved to a very very small town and I don't want some people finding out what is going on. I know nothing can be said outside of the meetings, but it still scares me. This whole things scares me.

He told me that he is not willing to give up his beer, he says there is nothing wrong with a couple beers a day. Last night he had 10, between 5pm and 930 pm. That is not just a couple.

Is there a board on the web that I can talk to others without going to meetings in person?

Thanks again for your help.
Blessings

I understand that I have delayed many things I should have done previously in my life because of fear, so I understand very well how you feel. I also can share with you that those fears blocked me some times from having the assistance I needed and things only got worst to a point no fear would stop me any more and I had to do something about.

There is meetings online and you can also find them in the adress Dean posted http://www.al-anon.org/grpsrvreqform.html

A site for many 12 steps meetings, including Alanon:
http://www.stepchat.com/

Also here we have the Alanon forums, just look down this page.

By going to Alanon tough you do not need to say anything in the beggining, you can just sit and listen to the shares untill you get confidence to share too.

To listen to others experiences will also help.

Also it is not necessary to say anything you do not feel like saying, you can just express feelings or whatever, it is not that you have to give up your privacy.

Some things we may only want to share with our sponsors. Going to the meetings you can meet people, and listening to their shares you can choose someone you relate to and get to trust to be your sponsor, this person will help you with steps and will listen and share with you.

People go to Alanon for many reasons, it is not only about husbands. I for a sample am daughter of alcoholic. This is a family disease. We all get affected. Do not stop from getting the help you need because of fears. It is ok to be careful and fear is good to auto preservation if it is not as much as to paralize us. Maybe just sit and listen for a while. You do not have to fear that. It is safe!

Anyhow, you are already in action! Keep up with the online meetings, it does help too!

Do you have some Alanon literature? It is very good and some you can do at home


Hugs

Greetings Angry,
The bottom line is to take the focus off of your husband and start thinking just what is best for you and your children. Acholism affects the entire structure of a family. If you continue to "allow" your husband to act out, then your children will come to believe that his behavior can be tolerated then in their future, imitated. Perhaps you can visit the county welfare office, get a case manger and find out your options. It is time for you to make a change. What is next, a DWI and possible fatality of a child. His blackouts will be next. Please contact the NA hotline and find out about any alanon meetings in your area. You are not a victum and stop acting like one. We have all used the blame game to justify what ever we want to do....Trust God, go to church and make a change...t is your life and the lives of your children....Respectfully yours....Lieutenant Ingram