I dated a guy in the program for 5 months, and have been sleeping with him every few months since. That being said, I should explain our history a little further.

I only had 9 months of sobriety and he had almost 5 years when I started dating him, and consider him my 1st sober relationship. We celebrated Xmas, New Years, my birthday, Valentine's Day, and both our sober birthdays together. We didn't communicate well back then (lots of text msgs from him--ugh, and I just didn't spit it out soon enough). I broke up with him in May of last year.

By July 4th, we hooked up again, after talking ALL night, about our feelings, intentions, etc. I knew he & I wanted different things. I want a committed relationship that progresses, and he wants to have a monogamous relationship without being committed (I am quoting him from last year, so be kind...he's a little better now). Anyway, I've been trying not to sleep with him ever since! I've even dated 2 other guys briefly, and I think he's seen other women briefly. I didn't have much chemistry with the others, and he didn't get serious with anyone else.

But he & I are so drawn to one another...I feel butterflies with him ALL the time. We have intense sexual chemistry, and have now developed a strong friendship. I feel like we can tell each other almost anything. But every time I slept with him, I'd feel guilt, remorse, and neglected. The better our connection, the further he runs from me. When we are together, he is kind, respectful, attentive and loving. He has always asked if I am comfortable with the decision, and I often (lie) say yes. He once told me, "We are great lovers, but we don't feed each other's souls". Such a cheese ball line, I know. I took it to heart, but convinced myself he was right, and thought he doesn't feed my soul either. I was wrong. This was 6 months ago.

So, recently, he came over to drop off some money he owed me, and I blurted out that I can't do this again (sleep with him). I was referring to the last time, when I did what we call a "planned relapse" (I've called him my "just one glass of wine", cuz that's not possible). Then I asked him what his intentions were when we first dated, and told him I was not in love with him, but the memories of him. I told him about the importance of all the holidays together, and him being my 1st sober relationship. He said he had no intentions, and the last time he had intentions with anyone, it was with his 8 year relationship, and he got his heart broken. So he hasn't had intentions since. He told me his sponsor suggested that he try opening up, but he is just not ready. He said he may not be ready for 5 years. Now this information I have NEVER heard him share before. I said I am not ready either, or I wouldn't be with him. So, he thought what's wrong with enjoying each other then? I couldn't argue with that. I also wondered why he shared this way, knowing that he's aware of how I feel about him...

Well, the next time we got together, he spent the night (under the premise it would be easier to give me a ride to work in the morning, with my car in the shop). This time was different. I had no expectations, and it felt wonderful. We fell asleep holding hands. I didn't feel sad the next day. But 5 days later, I came down off my cloud. He's been less available, and I think it's cuz we connected, and it scared him.

I am constantly trying to let go (praying for the willingness, or for clarity, etc), which seems to be the lesson in this. I used to think I was just letting him use me for sex, but now it feels different. I feel like God wants us to learn something from each other. But I also don't want to continue to do this dance, cuz it can be exhausting. I am usually the one to stop the sexual activity (saying "no" has given him a challenge, and empowered me, though, so it's a catch 22!). It's been difficult for us to hang out just as friends, cuz we really want each other! I am so frustrated, cuz I am pretty sure that he's not writing a colossal web post about it, or crying. He's not ready for what? For me? (like, will he ever want more with me, specifically?) For anyone? I know I can't make him be ready. I just feel deep in my heart and soul that there is something more than sex going on with us. I want to trust God to show us what to do. Should I stop the sex thing again? I feel like I have already crossed my own boundaries so much, it doesn't matter anymore. And I don't even know if I want to set that as a boundary...

Any thoughts, insight on this? I hope you all don't feel overwhelmed by the length of this, but I needed to get it out...It's been one of those days.

Thanks...

Michelle

Hi


Even that he is sober, it can be helpful to you to attend the Alanon meetings. Alanon is great to help us understand our relashionship with an alcoholic.

Have you both done the steps??? I know for myself that stop drink in itself is not enough, the program of AA have 12 steps, to stop drink is just number one step. As we progress with steps we learn more about relashionships and our part on them.

I do not want to take his inventory but after 5 years sober, if he have done the steps I believe he would not be stuck in some old experience where he got hurt... steps 4 to 9 would have taken care of it.

Now, besides the program, just a woman to woman talk: guys who say can not commit and that fear intimacy are just full of crap. This are very old excuses to get what they want without have any responsibility over it.

I would sugest you stop tell him it is ok, when you feel it is not.

But more than all I sugest you take a look in yourself and find what is best for you. Thats when Alanon comes to help

Thanks for share

Hugs

Hi, rockinsupergirl03. Welcome to the forums.

The thing to keep in mind is that romantic love (sexual attraction) is not the same as loving another human being.

Sexual attraction is easy. We don't get to decide that. It just happens. But it has nothing to do with whether or not we can love the other person, in the sense of being there for him or her, being kind, honest, considerate, generous, communicative, and so on. Two different things, different kinds of "love."

My favorite line in "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" is this: "The primary fact we fail to realize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being."

Lucia made some very good points.

The Steps work great on our alcoholism. But that's just the beginning. Once we have the drinking thing solved, it's time to apply them in other areas of our life ("practice these principles in all our affairs").

To love is to give, unconditionally. If you find yourself putting conditions on what you give, then it is not love. It's a contract, or a desire for a contract. If someone isn't willing to sign on to the contract, then it's time to do something else.

Here's a favorite quote from another book, "The Cloud of Unknowing": "You will be held responsible for all the time given you."

Hi... Thanks for the input. He now has 6 years & I have a little over 2. We both have been working the steps. I am currently on Step 4 for the 2nd time. I have done many a 10 step on him, and sexual inventories...
He had a much more devastating experience than I did when he was out there, having been on speed and going insane. He visited institutions, while I visited county jail. I know this may not mean much, but because I know his story personally, I can vouch for him having grown a LOT since I met him. I just want to put that out there. I am by no means making excuses for him! However, everyone grows at their own rate. And I KNOW he's full of crap, and using excuses. That's the nature of his problem with intimacy. But I've had EXPECTATIONS that "next time might be different". My goal is to let go in love, instead of getting all bent just cuz he hasn't done what I want. That's been very selfish of me.

And this is MY problem. He may have an active part in it, but I have a hard time letting go. I am working on it, but God's time always seems SOOO much slower than mine. Heehee.

Thanks for the feedback...

Hi Dean,

Yes, yes, YES! That's what I've been trying to do, is love him unconditionally (it's often what I pray for in regards to everyone I know..11th step prayer). Like I said before, I have had unrealistic expectations of him, and when I dropped them, I felt incredibly good being with him. I have NOT been pushing him to decide anything (contract). I just notice a difference in what we are communicating about. We never talked about our feelings about each other while we were dating, so this has actually been progress. After hearing him share about opening up, I got my hopes up that maybe I could be a part of his life on a much deeper level in the future. But I know this is not up to me. It got my head spinning, though! I value what you've said. I was just up in my head yesterday.

I want to trust the process, and let God teach me whatever I am supposed to learn from this. I guess if God can speak through any of you, that helps.

As far as practicing the principles in all of my affairs, I have done so for a while now. Once I had a psychic change, I don't see how I could live any other way. Working the steps with a sponsor, going to meetings, and working with other women is a regular part of my life today. And I am doing all of this because I had a spiritual experience. I have a strong connection with my higher power today. Not every day is like this. Like yesterday, my perception gets skewed, and negativity and self pity consume me. But if I use the tools laid out for me, everything seems to work out.

Thank you for letting me share.