Online Alano Club Discussion Forums

Pfoo

Jul 8 2005, 08:48 AM

Hello folks. I grew up in an alchoholic home then married one. We've been married for 24 years, together for about 4 more than that. We have 3 adult children. He quit drinking about a year and a half ago (has had a couple of slips). I know now that quitting drinking is not recovering. I know now that you don't have to be hit to be hurt. I am so tired. I feel like I am always waiting and going no where. He is unhappy and decides periodically that there must be something wrong with me that he should fix to make himself happy. Does that make sense?

I don't know what I'm expecting here really. I have been to al-anon meetings but have a great deal of trouble with the idea of "higher power." I am agnostic. I believe that people make choices and are responsible for their own happiness. If I am unhappy I make the choice to do something different. Right now I am having trouble making a decision, hence the waiting feeling. How do I stop waiting and start deciding? How do I support someone who isn't trying to help himself? How do you let go of that much history with someone when you don't think you love them anymore?

needfaith

Jul 17 2005, 08:07 AM

QUOTE(Pfoo @ Jul 8 2005, 09:48 AM)

Hello folks. I grew up in an alchoholic home then married one. We've been married for 24 years, together for about 4 more than that. We have 3 adult children. He quit drinking about a year and a half ago (has had a couple of slips). I know now that quitting drinking is not recovering. I know now that you don't have to be hit to be hurt. I am so tired. I feel like I am always waiting and going no where. He is unhappy and decides periodically that there must be something wrong with me that he should fix to make himself happy. Does that make sense?

I don't know what I'm expecting here really. I have been to al-anon meetings but have a great deal of trouble with the idea of "higher power." I am agnostic. I believe that people make choices and are responsible for their own happiness. If I am unhappy I make the choice to do something different. Right now I am having trouble making a decision, hence the waiting feeling. How do I stop waiting and start deciding? How do I support someone who isn't trying to help himself? How do you let go of that much history with someone when you don't think you love them anymore?

[snapback]784[/snapback]

I understand what you mean about him fixing you to make himself happy. I guess he sees fault within himself but doesn't want to admit it so he tries to blame it on the closest person to him--you. I don't know much about being agnostic because I was raised to believe in God. I don't judge anyone if they believe different. Maybe your HP is within yourself. If you are in an emotional slump and you don't know how to get out of it maybe if you dig your own brain maybe you will find an answer. My understanding is that a HP is however each individual can find it. Whatever they choose to call it. It is hard to support someone that doesn't help themselves and as far as letting go if you think you don't love them anymore, that is a decision YOU have to make. Maybe therapy would work. I've never had therapy but it works for some. Or maybe with all the troubles you have been having with this person, your love is just buried beneath all of it. It may be there still--or not. You will need to decide that for yourself.
I hope I have helped you. I'm just an ordinary person trying to live life on life's terms. I don't know much about a lot of things but sometimes it helps to get someone else's view on a subject.
Take care of yourself,
needfaith

needfaith

Jul 17 2005, 08:41 AM

QUOTE(needfaith @ Jul 17 2005, 09:07 AM)

QUOTE(Pfoo @ Jul 8 2005, 09:48 AM)

Hello folks. I grew up in an alchoholic home then married one. We've been married for 24 years, together for about 4 more than that. We have 3 adult children. He quit drinking about a year and a half ago (has had a couple of slips). I know now that quitting drinking is not recovering. I know now that you don't have to be hit to be hurt. I am so tired. I feel like I am always waiting and going no where. He is unhappy and decides periodically that there must be something wrong with me that he should fix to make himself happy. Does that make sense?

I don't know what I'm expecting here really. I have been to al-anon meetings but have a great deal of trouble with the idea of "higher power." I am agnostic. I believe that people make choices and are responsible for their own happiness. If I am unhappy I make the choice to do something different. Right now I am having trouble making a decision, hence the waiting feeling. How do I stop waiting and start deciding? How do I support someone who isn't trying to help himself? How do you let go of that much history with someone when you don't think you love them anymore?

[snapback]784[/snapback]

I understand what you mean about him fixing you to make himself happy. I guess he sees fault within himself but doesn't want to admit it so he tries to blame it on the closest person to him--you. I don't know much about being agnostic because I was raised to believe in God. I don't judge anyone if they believe different. Maybe your HP is within yourself. If you are in an emotional slump and you don't know how to get out of it maybe if you dig your own brain maybe you will find an answer. My understanding is that a HP is however each individual can find it. Whatever they choose to call it. It is hard to support someone that doesn't help themselves and as far as letting go if you think you don't love them anymore, that is a decision YOU have to make. Maybe therapy would work. I've never had therapy but it works for some. Or maybe with all the troubles you have been having with this person, your love is just buried beneath all of it. It may be there still--or not. You will need to decide that for yourself.
I hope I have helped you. I'm just an ordinary person trying to live life on life's terms. I don't know much about a lot of things but sometimes it helps to get someone else's view on a subject.
Take care of yourself,
needfaith

[snapback]811[/snapback]

Also, a theory of thought is your HP may be your own conscience. That is what I was trying to say before. Another thought for you, get ahold of AA's Big Book. Read "Chapter 2: The Agnostic". This may help you. Please just concentrate on yourself first.
needfaith