i have been searching websites to find my own self help and also for my husband and myself, we have been together for 17 years (married 13), new each other in college as friends and found each other several years later and fell in love. at the time he drank heavily, and i became a drinker with him (but kept it under control, what ever that means). needlesstosay, it became worse with him, we have had a good life and ofcourse quite a few bad times, he has never been abusive to me, i have always supported him through all his blunders, only in the last 4-5 years things have progressively gotten worse, (by the way he has been doing drugs and drinking since he was a young teenager), almost lost his job 2 or 3 different times, drove into our house through the bathroom, and quite a few other horrible thing and through all this and many other situations, i always stood by him. about a year and a half a go (with my persuasion) he went into rehab, withdrawn from physchiatric medications, and went to AA. he has been sober for this time, he just started the 12 step program and is now on #4, one month ago, he tells me (out of the blue) he doesnt feel the same way about me, but still cares, of course i was devastated, he has always been a quite person and i didnt want to interfere with his recovery. we would talk about it sometimes, but he seemed fine. we have been going on like a normal couple, we dont fight (every once in a while like any normal couple) but nothing hugh. so within 6 days he was gone, we have no children, but he left me with the 2 dogs that he loves, 3 cats and my elderly mother, who i take care of on a full time basis. he said it has nothing to do with my mother. what he does say, is that he feels nothing for anyone, not his parents, the dogs, my mother, himself or me (he feels like a monster inside). he is seeking help through a physco therapist right now (on his second visit) and like i said is in the middle of the 12 step program, i want to believe in my heart that he is very confused and still loves me deep down, however, of course it hurts so much. we talk on the phone, last week we went to a movie and dinner. some people would think i'm crazy, but i even gave him money to set him up in an apartment for 7 months. i think he needs this time to search himself. he seems to have no self asteem however, i have always told him how much potential he has and what a caring person he is. he says he feels nothing, doesnt want to be touched by anyone, i want to hang in there, but it is so hard on me and i miss him so much. im trying to keep the lines of communication open, and be strong when i do talk to him (he hates seeing me cry). which i do every day and am trying to work on. i pray a lot, he has never been a very religious person, however his sponsor has talked about spirituality as well as i have, i think (know) he is trying.......... this is it in a small nut shell, desparately seeking advice --- kp, p.s. we saw each other for a brief time, and since he has left he kissed me good bye and even said he loves me?????
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hello,
i suggest you check out alanon. a google search should put you at their
online front door. alanon is a fellowship like aa started by the wife of one
of the founders of AA. it sounds as if you are trying to head in a good
direction in looking for support for you. you will find loving and caring people
that have been through many of the same things as you and will understand
how you are feeling. you will be meeting your new best friends that you
never knew you had.

often there are changes to relationships when the drinking stops. really, it
is not that uncommon. you mentioned that he was drinking and drugging
when you met and has continued until now. he is probably just as confused
as you are, as to who he is. what you chose to do about the financial arrangements
of your relationship is up to you, but, do be prepared to hear differing
'suggestions' when you go to alanon. try to keep an open mind when you
hear what people will say to you as they have many times 'been there, done
that'. and they are only sharing their experience strength and hope, so that,
you too, can realize some peace and (chuckle) maybe a bit of serentity in
your life.

the program of recovery as suggested in the book 'alcoholics anonymous'
is based on spiritual principles. these principles are found in most religions,
but, AA and alanon do not endorse any particular religion. what we espouse
is a way of living that includes the help and guidance of a benevolent 'higher
power'. many of us receive this guidance by 'hearing' our HP speak to us
through the sharing of others in the fellowship.

i guess the main thing i can share with you is that you are not alone. and there
are people that understand what you are going through and will stand with
you as you wend your way up this new path. your husband is on 'his' path
and you are on yours. that they may recross and possibly merge again is a
possiblilitiy. but, i am fairly comfortable in saying to you that they won't merge
smoothly, if at all, until you too do as you have started, and seek out the help
and support that you will need.

there are answers, and there is help, and there is peace. i wish you well in your
efforts. if you continue to be honest and apply yourself diligently towards
understanding, you will find what you are seeking.

yours in fellowship,
don