I have been best friends with my boyfriend for 7 years now. We have been dating for 3 years of that time, and living together for 1 year and 1 month. When we first met I didn't drink. I began drinking after we were already friends. About 3 years into our friendship I went through a divorce and began drinking very heavily - and my now boyfriend became my favorite drinking buddy.

Alcoholism runs in my family, and I knew I had a problem. It was time for me to stop when it suddenly became clear I was risking my job for alcohol. I was one of the lucky few who was able to just wake up one day and say "I'm done" and that was it. Not to say that I haven't been tempted since then. I have slipped once and the hangover that brought me was a GOOD reminder of why I had quit to begin with.

Anyway, my boyfriend quit drinking around the same time I did, which coincided with our decision to move in together last June. He remained sober for several months (I want to say at least 6-8), and didn't begin drinking again until about a week before we were to move in together (August 1). Had he started drinking again prior to that, I probably would not have moved in with him. My father is an alcoholic, his father is an alcoholic...I just know how that road looks and (sober) it's not a road I want to go down.

In any case, we moved in together and it's been a very bumpy year. When he's sober he is the most amazing person imaginable. But it's just the fact that he can't seem to stop drinking. He says he wants to quit drinking, but he won't go to AA (he has tried it before and says he hated it). He says he'll begin seeing a counselor, but I've seen no evidence that he's going to do so. In the meantime, I have found myself slipping into some very codependent behaviors. I don't like who I have become/am becoming as a result of his alcoholism.

I absolutely adore him, he's probably as close as you can get to find your soulmate, he's my best friend, our families love each other, etc. etc. so it breaks my heart to think of "giving up" on him, but I just don't know how long I can put myself through this heartache waiting for him to sober up.

Any advice that any of you can offer would be most appreciated. I guess my question is how do you know when it's time to throw in the towel and how do you know if it's worth sticking around?

Thank you for listening...

Hello, a newby,

I just ran into this page, looking for an al-anon location. I, too, am living with someone, years after a nasty divorce, who now drinks to the point where it is affecting our relationship, badly. Going to AA? He has tried that, hated it, thought it is basically a joke. The last two days have been pure hell since this came to a head again, my daughter is moving out because of the changes he goes through when not sober, the worse days and time of a seven year relationship.

So, time to bail? How many times will we go through this scenario? We are on our fourth cycle, each being worse than the last. I don't know. Meaning it's not time. I want to make this work, there is a great deal of rare love and compatibility here, but....sometimes, to quote a popular song, love just ain't enough. When the drinking is affecting me to the point I cannot recover, when his drinking depletes my respect for him, one day my tolerance will click off. I won't have planned it, suspected it or feel it coming. One day, if we continue this way, it will simply be over, and that is the time for me to go. The damage will be done.

Each of us have our own ends, tolerances, pain and acceptance levels. To realize I remained in a relationship that had become nasty and violent (my marriage) was an eye opener for me. For the first time I was able to see and understand why women do not leave a non-functioning situation way past the time I thought they should have left, something I had never understood before. From that day forward, I vowed to never allow what I considered mentally unhealthy in my life again. Yet? Here I am again, so unaware he would develop a drinking habit that would affect all of us so soundly.

I am hoping this helps. A last thought, or at least from my point of view, is that if you are asking if it's time to go, there's still hope and the desire to fix things, despite the fact the repair is out of your hands. When you stop asking, and know it is time, it's over.

You make an excellent point. I guess I know deep down that I'm not ready to walk away yet...sometimes I wish I were because it would make my life SO much easier.

Thanks for your support and your thoughts!

I have to say that I am in almost the same exact boat. I feel your pain. It is like you are constantly batteling wiht your self. I am always in conflict. One minute my foot is out the door and the next I am like no way I love him I love the sober him. I do not know how to quit us. I may not have any advise as I am in the same boat but do know that you are not alone.

newby:
I ran across your letter in th relationship chatroom. I was struck of how important it is to keep up front first things first. To me that means I must for the first time in my life, think of me first, when it comes down to staying sober.

When I first came into the rooms of AA, (1995) When I left treatment, I was in relationship with a man I'd known since I was 17yrs. old., in 1995 I was 45 yrs. old. I knew if I went back to him, my relapse time would have been shorter then 7 yrs. My first time around I belived that not wanting to be with someone who was still drinking, I'd made a major decision. What I'd really done was in back of my mind, I would at some beable to drink safely. Will that was not the case. I say all this to say, on our chips it says To thy own self be true.

If your relationship with this person has, will, put you at risk of drinking again then do what you must to save your life, YOUR LIFE,. You are the most important person when it comes to your being sober.

I now have 14-going into my 15 month of being sober by the grace. For Grace brought me back. Please don't
put yourself at risk for picking up a drink yourself.

You will be in my prayers!