Wonder where you guys have been. How are you Irish? Miss your posts.
I woke up at 3:30am today. After only 3 hours of sleep I was totally awake and unable to sleep again. I tryed it and gave up about one hour later. When I saw I could do something better with my time than be in bed trying to sleep without sucess and getting my mind busy with worries and regrets.
I had things to be done and could be done at that time
I came to computer and worked till 6:30, when I left to my job place. Was a nice morning there. Some time in this long morning I had, it came to my mind that my fears of abandonment comes from real facts, only that they are in the past. I felt left out more than once as a child and developed a terrible fear of attachments, based in the pain of have to let it go after lose another one of my alcoholics. Advancely I just would avoid to feel or get attached.
Took long time, decades, till I found myself strong, hopeful and in safe relashionship that opend my heart to love again. And I got a whole family there. Last year we lost one of our members.
I know why I canīt sleep and is all about loss. Real loss. One year after it, what I feel is like that little child having to deal with pain and feeling so guilt. They say we are always a child somewhere inside.