Hi, I am about to throw in the towel on a relationship. We have been together for 7 months and engaged for part of that time. H e said he would stop drinking but hasn't. He is a sweet man with a good heart, but drinks anywhere from 18 to 24 beers a day. He was layed off 10 months ago and has not been able to find a job since, overqualified. I am a widow with 2 grown kids and wonder if I should just give up and move on we have been fighting for the last month, my kids don't like him and neither do my parents or friends. help Justme

Hi, Justme. Welcome to the forums.

Being an alcoholic, albeit now a recovered one, I can say from experience that unless a practicing alcoholic wants to stop drinking, there's not much that can be done.

There is hope, however, for you. Try Al-Anon. Al-Anon has been around nearly as long as Alcoholics Anonymous and it's designed to help people just like you -- friends, family, loved ones of alcoholics.

You can find Al-Anon here: http://www.al-anon.org

There is also an online Al-Anon outreach website: http://www.ola-is.org/

I believe we also have a bunch of Al-Anons registered in these forums. Perhaps one or more of them will see this and chime in.

Hi Justme,
My name is Pam and I am an alcoholic active in AA.
I would suggest that you try Al-anon also.
It is a way to assist you in taking stock of your situation and making the best descision for you and your children.
Al-anon helps you to look at you.
It will help with boundries, yours and his.
I can tell you that you cannot do anything to make your fiance stop drinking.
He has to make that descision on his own.
I will warn you that practicing alcoholics can have a very bad effect on your children so please be very careful when he is around them
I also can tell you to at least start to use one wonderful Al-anon expression
"Detach with love" That means you can have the knowledge that you love someone but you also have to stay detached from them to protect yourself and your loved ones.
You may have to give him up.
If you do just pray that he will someday get help.
You can leave AA literature around for him to find also.
That is like making a suggestion without forcing the issue (a bad thing to do with most alcohlics)
You can get literature at most AA meetings or Al-anon meetings. Just check in your phone book.
Good luck to you.
And post here again if you want more information.
PamW

Hello Justme my name is alyson and I am having the same trouble with a relapsed aa member I am living with. You see I have been with him for over a year now. We were neighbors and one day I asked him out, and we haven't stopped making each other laugh. We do everything together, it has been a life changing experience for me. He was one month away from six years of sobriety and he just started drinking a week ago. I know for a fact he will loose his job next week, because they know he has relapsed and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know he is drinking during the day. I have heard all his horror stories of his past and I am madly in love with this man regardless of his faults. He has been such a positive influence in my life. But now I don't know him and I am scared to death I might loose him or worse he might loose himself. He is a hard core drinker I mean at his worst he was drinking half a liter or more a day of vodka , and would go into convulsions if he didn't have a drink. When he relapsed he did so in front of his family and admitted he drank, but when I got him home I had to fill in the blanks because he blacked out. I went to my first an al-anon meeting Tue. and have been reading info and the one day at a time book. It was a very good thing seeing I am not alone and there are others in my same boat. I realize I CANNOT CHANGE HIM, but I also feel I can't abandon him. I am not going to enable him or cover for him, but is leaving the only option? I am going to atend regular meetings and try and make a change in my own self, and give him a chance to get a grip on the situation. I think you should try al-anon meetings. GOOD LUCK I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK!

I'm sure this sounds cold hearted, but I think you should throw in the towel. It's a bad sign if your grown kids and parents don't like this guy. Alcohol aside, they probably see things you are too close to see.

When I told my Mother I was thinking of filing for divorce to my ex-husband, she asked me why I was "thinking" about it and not doing it. Then all the stories came out. All the things they (my parents and family) saw that I was too close to see. Even my Grandmother who claimed her love for him because he was my husband had stories of mistrust and mistreatment from him. They all saw what he was doing to me, but did not want to get involved for fear it would make things worse for me.

Even if it is because of his drinking that they don't like him, life is too short to be drawn into a personal hell for him. 7 Months really isn't that long, and a true courtship if you listen to most pshychologists should last a year or more, because it takes several months for the infatuation to wear off and reality to be able to come through. It also gives an individual time to show who they really are as most people are on their best behavior early on in a relationship.

Having personaly been used by people who "can't" get a job, that is another red flag that he is using you. I don't believe in "overqualified" it is an excuse employers give when that sixth sense kicks in and says "this guy/gal is trouble".

I realize I'm sounding pessemistic, and maybe a bit selfish, but sometimes you need to look out for you. You don't have kids involved that will be hurt if you move on. Obviously there is no financial support you are relying on. You can get a clean break, move on and get some peace in your life. And,... perhaps your moving on will be the eye opener he needs to get his act together.

I often feel guilty about not leaving my ex-husband the first time he threatened to beat me up after I had told him if he ever threatened me again our marraige was over. It only took him about six months after he was in a lock down for a weekend and forced into Anger management to turn mean again. Had I left then, maybe, just maybe he would have learned he couldn't treat people that way. Instead, 4 years later after he destroyed (literally) everything I owned, drove us into bankruptcy, and had me scared for my life every time he didn't get his way, that's when it was finally ended. Years after it should have been. Giving him time to convince himself that he's right and the rest of the world is wrong. And now he is re-married, and from the stories our daughter tells of her visits to him,... he didn't mature or get better, he has gotten worse and more abusive to his new wife.

Everytime you let him lie about quitting, you are enabling him. Every time you let him get away with chasing off a potential employer, you are enabling him. By supporting him and his drinking, you are enabling him.

Maybe I do sound bitter, but you just don't seem to have enough history with this guy to let him bring you down too.

Laura

Hi Justme, The one thing that keeps popping into my mind when I read your post is...... you are involved in that part of the relationship where both parties put their best foot forward. You know what I mean, you try to do things FOR each other and try to please each other. It should be a fun time.

And it's not that way for you.

I'm thinking that, if this is his BEST..... what does your future hold? Would it be a possibility for you to back away until he settles his personal demons?

justme i can understand. i have been with my guy for 3 years, he has not drank for almost 5 years. we have been through a lot in the last 6 mo. there have been 3 deaths, laid off from work, kids wreaking the work truck. but i have stood by him the entire time. i let him know that i would be there for him and i would support him no matter what he wanted to do. it has been a month now that he has quit drinking, and it has been worse than when he was drinking. the anger, depression. but i know that one day he will be back. he has spent time in the hospital, to detox and than to get some help with the depression. so i guess what im tring to say is that if you want something bad enough you have to fight for it. but you cant push somebody into doing something..only he can decide when he wants to quit drinking, and make that first move, and when he says "i need help" or "im ready"...be there for him.try to be understanding. but dont push. pray a lot.