My husband & I have been married for almost 5 years. We had both begun recovery right before we met, him for the second time after a bad relapse where he lost everything. We both had two kids from a previous marriage. As soon as we were married, his kids announced they were moving in with us. Suddenly we were a family with four teenagers. The youngest, his son, has been especially difficuly.. brought home drunk numerous times before he was 14, fighting, skipping school, pot & meth and dropping out of school at 16. When I opened his door one day to put his laundry in his room, I found a strange man, 21 year-old drugging buddy, sleeping on his floor while he snored on the bed. I called my husband, and he said 'Oh, I know..." calmly, just like that. I lost it. I packed my dog and my remaining daughter up to visit our oldest at college. Husband saw I was upset, and told little drug son to leave and go stay with his mother. As soon as he did that. husband relapsed and started drinking. Drug son wouldn't stay with mom, stayed on street or with friends, got into all kinds of trouble. After 2 months of this, where husband got angrier and angrier at me for his son being gone, son called me begging to come back, making all kinds of promises. Dad drew up a contract, which drug son signed, but dad did not put any consequences in contract. Drug son has broken every contract stipulation, will not go to work, just parties all night and sleeps all day. Husband & I fight all the time, and even more now that he has gone back to AA.. no booze to dull the pain.....

During our latest fight he moved all his clothes into drug son's room, and sleeps there now.....we just don't talk.

Drug son is supposed to go to 22-week boot camp program in one week... Husband won't enforce any rules because he's afraid drugson will freak out, and husband will have to call police again. Son won't be able to go to boot camp if in trouble with law. Problem is, drugson has to voluntarily stay in program... why should he want to stay and work hard if he can lay around home and party?
I'm afraid he'll be back the very next day....

I am having trouble setting boundaries that don't involve screaming.... I don't seem to be able to talk to husband, even about things unrelated to drugson, without fighting....

Thing is, I really love this man. I don't want to leave, don't want to kick them out.. I want it all to work. I'd love a magic wand.

Anybody got one?

Yes! Al-Anon and the 12 Steps.

Try the Al-Anon email meeting. There are about 60 lively people on the list. Lots of great sharing. You can subscribe here:

http://www.onlinealano.org/html/meetings.html

Thanks, Dean! It made my day to see a reply to my post... thanks so much for listening

Thanks, Dean! It made my day to see a reply to my post... thanks so much for listening

In an instance such as this, with a druggie who is active and doing what HE wants, and a father/husband who cannot do what is necessary to help his son and to work your relationship, I'm afraid the magic wand is available at U-Haul.

Well, here's an update. Dean, you were right... Alanon is truly a magic wand. I went to two meetings, I stopped focusing on my A's and focused on myself instead. I realized that I am powerless over drugson using, and that I still could have a happy life. Within three days, Husband got a sponser, moved back in with me, and is preparing to take drugson to military camp tomorrow! Even if drugson bombs out of the program, I will continue to take care of myself and not make him the focus of my universe.

I'm sure going to keep going to Alanon meetings, as well as getting support on line. Why would I deprive myself of you all? Two things could happen: 1) Drugson comes back a changed man, and I will still be married to, the daughter of, and the stepmother of A's...I'll need support. or 2) He will get kicked out of the program and come back to live here... I'll need support.

Looks like I'll need support... regardless. Yes, I think I'll stick with Alanon.... what do I have to loose but my serenity.

God bless!
K

Sorry KMom, but you lost to druge & drinking. I know you love yolur husb. but can you live like this,always in termell[?]. It isn't good for you & your Daughters. Take the other posters advice...take care of your self. For some reason your husb. wan't the love of your son then anyone else, even you. It might take awile for him to wake up, maybe he thinks if hes 'nice' to his son he & his son will forget the Divorce, I'am sure him & your husb, lived in *H* before the divorce, no one wakes up & says ..'I think I'll get divorced today' I'm sure there was *H* before the Divorce & your husb, fells quilty about it. I know my parents were divorced, but it seems like the 3 of us kids were put on a boat, set out to sea & if we made it, we made it,if we didn't ...AAAWWw they were only kids, we were the ones who lost & lost big, but considering we turned out better then we should have. I'am proud of how my sister, brother & I turned out. So now swallow your pride & take care of your self & kids,I know it will be hard,your husb will come back begging you to come back, Laugh at him,say come back to 'what?', that kind of stuff. Why do Woman think they need a man to be complete? 'Maybe' ..after a yr. of AA & Al-Anon you will get back together, but you can do it without a man, you can even buy that at a store...LOL. Go to metings & 'take care of your self ' I know its easy to say,but you have a whole group behind you. In private I'll give you my number,I sleep 2-3 hrs a night so you won't bother me, get someone elses number, what every you have to do.BUT DON'T LET HIM 'SUCKER' YOU BACK IN. Keep us posted. Hugs, Pegi