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Well, it's 12:25 and I've been unable to sleep. I a had to wait til my dear drunk hubby passed out before I felt comfortable making sure all his beer cans were out of my van, turning off the TV and turning out the lights. He drove on actual roads tonight, with his daughter in the van. Usually he stays on private property, but not tonight. In Texas a DWI with a minor in the vehicle is a felony. Such a felony would cost him his kids.

In his drunkeness he crashed yet another $200.00 worth of R/C airplane. Third one he's destroyed, each time he's been drunk. He crashes them all the time, when he's drunk, but they're pretty tough. But the odds are against him that he'll total one with all the crashes. Then he comes in acting like I'm pissed off at him trying to get me to say something so that I am the one that started the fight. I've learned to just sit there and keep my mouth shut. That pisses him off too, and he gets all huffy because I won't talk to him. Can't say anything. If I say "hi" wrong he gets all nasty.

It's just that I've just gotten over his last drunken tangent. I had two blissful nights of sobriety. That was after he humiliated me in front of my best friend making her incredibly uncomfortable two nights in a row. He can't figure out why I fall into deep bouts of depression. Doesn't matter. I could tell him what's wrong til I'm blue in the face. Sometimes, though very rarely, he acts as if he really cares and is going to do something about it. Like stop drinking. I hate liers. I loath them. Therefore I don't want to hear that lie. I've been hurt by pathological liers. I don't need to hear a bunch of lies from a drunk who when sober and not talking about his stupid drinking problem is an honest man. I don't want to hear the lies.

Usually though, he just gets all mad, turns it all on me or starts this pity party routine. Usually with lots of yelling.

I know I can't change him. I found that out the hard way. I was stupid enough to believe if I pointed out the folly in his drunkeness he'd fix it. I'd heard about Alchoholics, but I didn't really believe he was one. Guess I was dead wrong. And he keeps getting worse. I've even tried disapearing for a day, but that didn't get his attention. Oh he wined and apologized and all that stuff, when I got home. I had to come home. I have no place else to go. Not for long term,... I'm 8 months pregnant, have a daughter from a previous marraige, can't solicit support from the family counselor we have because that would put his kids at risk of going to their biological mom. He may be a drunk, but my word, this woman is a frigging nut case.

I made the huge mistake of trusting him, and have lost my credit and my independence. I can't move on until the baby is old enough for day care, and I think that is the only thing that would wake him up. If it did. He'd probably just blame me anyway. He hid his problem so well when we met. Otherwise I'd never have gotten involved. How was I so stupid as to get myself into this mess.

I realize that any of you that read this will tell me I need to go to Al-anon. I will when I can. I just really needed someplace to vent. I'm wearing out my best friend, she has her own worries.

Thanks for giving me a place to let it all out. Just getting things out, and not having to delete anything for fear it'll cost me a friend or send my Mother into fits of worry that would make her have to take a Prozac, it helps.

I HATE HIS DRINKING!!!!!! IT MAKES HIM MEAN, ORNERY, OBSTANANT, STUPID, THE LIST GOES ON. But when he's not drinking,... he's such a good man and a loving, caring, sharing giving father and husband. Everything that a wife and Mother could ever want for her family. I grew up in a family were recreational drinking was very accepted, I did my share of partying, never thought twice about it. Grew up feeling the villanization of alcholol was totaly unfair. Not sure that has really changed, just now I know what happens when someone can't control it. It's a helpless feeling for those around. And it really kills me, because for him to recover, we won't be able to have any alcohol in the house. I will miss my occasional glass of wine, beer or mixed drink. Then again, maybe not. Bottle of wine can last me a year, used to have to cook with the beer to get it out of the house. Guess it's just the idea that bothers me. Go figure.

Thanks for letting me vent, maybe now I can get some sleep.

Laura

Hi Laura, Darnit, it sounds like someone you've loved for a long time... and a good man. But pretty darn sick. You already seem to know what options you have, so I won't repeat them <g>.

I just wanted to say it's really good for us to know that this small little spot in this great big web can offer a refuge for your pain... even if it is temporary!!

This will all get better. He may recover, but you know that all you need to do is make the decision... and you WILL recover. But it's a hard step to take. Know that we are all in your corner.

Thanks Chidi. I have found an on-line al-anon group. So far just lurking til I get my sponsor. Plus I need to dig up some literature to read so I don't just go in there half cocked. Once school starts and I don't have to find a sitter, hoping to get into a face to face group. If I can't at least I have more now then I did, and actually, it's easier for me to communicate this way, so may be more productive anyways.

Again, thanks for your kinds words and support. Nice to know I'm not alone in this world.

Laura