I learned to be grateful. When I start to do the steps in AA last year I was a big pain walking without a clue of how to keep going. My whole life I never was grateful for anything. I would listen people talk about the goods in my life and I would think "they do not understand", I was always wanting more and better and unable to enjoy anything in my present. Till I discovered a loss I could not bare. I was emotional and spiritually broke. And when it seemd to me I had lost it all, my sponsor gave me that task: to write a gratitude list. How come? I never had what I wanted (whatever that was!) and I just had lost so much (a beloved one) and he wanted me to be grateful? I was mad at God, I was mad at humankind, I was mad at me and with people in my life, my job, family...

I was stuck with that task. and like one of my favorite philosopher, Descartes, I started from the basic, you know, logic: I was grateful I had a sponsor. I was grateful I had a group that was giving me suport. and my list grew more and more everyday. it is still growing.

Yesterday I thought of the unthinkable: I am grafetul for my job.

I have been so angry about my job. I blame it for my mistakes last year, I blame it that I went to work when I should have stayed at home to take care of my beloved. I hated everything there. But I needed it to pay bills. Few months ago I started a kind of campaing to have them let me go. I was telling everybody how I hate it there and that I want out, I was criticizing people, procedures... Yesterday I had a moment of light and I saw how many friends I have there, how people like and help me there. How they give me more and more opportunities while I keep complaiting and saying "more things to do!" . Even with all I was saying, my lack of patience, my bad mouth, people kept being nice! I tested them to the end and heck, they pass the test! lol

I suffered to the point I can say this last 2 years of my life were just hell. My internal turmoil, muy guilts and despair. What I saw yesterday was how I was luck I had this place to go and all that people surrounding me, keeping me busy, giving me tasks, asking my knowledge, giving value to what I can do. How would I go through what I went through without them?

They upset me, they made me smile, how many times we hugged and cryed together (my pain, their pain), our jokes and fun, how much of our lifes we shared.

And do you know when I noticed this, when I was there praying, bored as bored can be, asking God to please give me patience... lol

When I arrive there till the moment I leave I am surrounded by people. I am shy and quiet type, I like to be by myself. To have to talk too much stresses me out. But today I am grateful I had all this people coming talk to me giving me no time to be alone with my pain!

Now I can see how it was good to be employed and in a place I am wanted and needed. And you know it feels good to be grateful, to finally aknowledge that yes I have some good things in my life.

Thanks for let me share.

Thank you for sharing. It's been a tough 14 months of my sobriety also. It's getting better everyday. I have to be diligent and compose my gratitude list daily. Do a 10th step on my problems prior to resentments, the works!! However, it hasn't been easy letting go of the guilt of my past. I give it to God and then go back to pick it up.

I went through my emotional and spiritual bankruptcy during the holiday season last year all while trying to get sober. I relied on all of the members of AA, my sponsor, and a higher power that I had to get to know all over again. I would be in tears during the meetings due to my situation. I tried to get angry at someone, anyone. But there was one member at my home group that over heard me say that I needed to be angry at someone. He says to me, "Tell me who did it and me and my boys will go over there and take care of them. Who told you to drink?" I had no answer. I realized that my last days of drinking were entirely my fault. My life situation was my fault. My 4th step revealed my selfishness, manipulation, self seeking ways.

Oh man was that a rough time in my sobriety. It only got better from there. I was given the tools I needed to survive via the rooms of AA. I meditate to a universal God, and attend a church service centered on recovery on Friday nights. These things have helped to keep me sober and help me adjust to the path that my higher power is leading me on. I do well with change as long as I know where I'm going and how I'm going to get there, oh but that's when I do the planning. Now for the plans, I have to ask God and wait.


Thank you again for your share. I've been feeling pretty alone and desolate for these last few days. I've written in my journal, read inspiration readings, attended a meeting or two but nothing is helping. Thank you for posting here.

~May the road always lead to where you need to be.

Prescilla