I would love to hear from the spouse/significant other of a recovering alcoholic. My question is: How much of the behavior that you saw when your spouse/significant other was drinking do you still see after he has stopped drinking?
The reason for my question (In case you want to hear my story): My husband was an alcoholic who was very abusive. I divorced him after 11 years and 2 children. That was that was 16 years ago. Now I find myself in a 2+ year relationship with a man who in the past year or so has become on occasion verbally abusive. It reminds me of my former husband.The day after the most recent episode I told him I choose not to be with someone who would talk to me like that, and that while I wasn't certain what was driving his behavior I suspected alcohol may have contributed. The abuse occurred, as always has been the case, after he was out with his buddies (something he doesn't do very often, but when he does, it frequently results in a lot of drinking and a behavior change).
After several days apart he said he knew alcohol was a problem and that he was going to stop drinking and go back to AA. He had to go to AA for 2 years about 12 years ago because of a drunk driving conviction. He was sober for 2 1/2 years then started drinking again, but hadn't gotten into any more trouble with alcohol as far as I knew.
He went to AA the next day. It's been 2 weeks now and I don't think he's had a drink, but I don't think he's been to AA again either. The part that I wonder about however is his seemingly sudden mood changes. He seems to go from "life is good" to "this sucks" in the blink of an eye. When alcoholics stop drinking, does that personality, that unpredicable moodiness remain? I've gotten to where I can detatch myself from it, but is it is a precurser to more abuse? How much really changes when an alcoholic stops drinking? How much is the alcohol and how much is the disease itself?
I would love to hear the experiences of others, so I might know what to expect.

Hi Laura K.

I have been dating a recovered alcoholic for over a year now. He was one month away from six years sobriety. I never had a chance to see him drink before now, it has been an eye opening experience. He has been a changed person someone I don't know at all. He is not abusive but my last boyfriend was. He asked for help this morning and now he is in a Detox center. I can only say that if you tolerate any type of abuse, you are lowering your own standards of what is tolerateded, and there is no excuse. You have to keep a level of what is acceptable otherwise the line will become more blurred open for more abuse. You too can fall into depression. My advice is see if he would be intrested in counciling, and don't become a victim of abuse because you are worth more than that.

GOOD LUCK

One thing about alcoholism is you don't have to be drinking to suffer from it. Alcohol is just a symptom of something else. So therefore some people stop drinking but yet never really deal with the real problem. So therefore They become very irratiable without there alcohol. Most people return back to alcohol as a result of this. So alcoholism is not only about putting down the drink. As a alcoholic myself one thing I loved in a reltionship was someone to tolerate my bs fix my problems, someone to blame for my problems, someone to enable me so I continue my destructive behaviors and take no responsibilties for them. The best thing that ever happended to me was people stopped tolerating my bs. There was noone left to pick up my shattered pieces, noone to fix my problems. People told me NO. I know it must of been hard for people to turn there backs on me but it was all for the best. The thing that hurt the most was my girlfriend who I loved with the little that I had after years of horror finally gave me the boot, man did that hurt. But there again it was the best thing that ever happended. As a result of this I was able at this time to finally face my problem and accept the solution of AA's program. I now live a wonderful life free to go where I may, I don't hide from booze nor get crazy when am around it I act sanely when it comes to drink. But like i said in the beginning that you don't have to be drinking to suffer from alcoholism. I don't suffer today as a result of adopting the AA program and practicing it in all my affairs. I was able to get down to the root of my troubles and it wasn't alcohol. I am not telling you ladies what to do but i am sharing my experience with some of your concerns, maybe it will help. oh and by the way i have rekindled that relationship with my girlfriend and I have be able to make amends for the damage done, We are now in the process of living a healthy MATURE relationship. I wish use the best in your decisions.


Thanks JOHN C.
Vikingjunior

Hello,

I am a grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous and have been sober a long time. My husband hasn't had a drink for over 10 years but he doesn't attend AA. He's pretty miserable! So, once a week I go to Al-Anon. It keeps the fighting down, believe me. I get different things from Al-Anon than I do AA but it's all good. I have a son in recovery and a daughter who isn't and it helps me to deal with both of them. Some of the behavior of my son is the same but with a little patience, I get to sit back and watch him grow. I used to enable everyone in my life but now I've learned to let go and do things for me. Hope this helps and you'll call Al-Anon and find out where the meetings are and then it won't matter what he does! Good luck and God Bless! Barb

Hi Laura,

The discussion that is happening is very interesting and one that I really need to particpate in right now. My husband of 17 years slowly but surely became a problem drinker. He left home a year ago and within 5 months we were divorced, he was a full blow alcoholic, and was seeing/living with another woman. Four more months and 3 trips to jail went by when he decided to get help. He desperately want his old life back. He is attending AA meetings at least everyday and for the first 90 days of his sobriety he (we) did great. I have also went to a couple of alanon meetings and read their literature daily. He moved back home after he was sober for 60 days. He drank around his 97th day and the last few weeks have been hell. The same moodiness, anger, and everything else that were around when he was drinking has returned and I do not know what to do. I do know that I have supported him to the best of my ability. I put little (or any) demands on him for anything. I continue to be the grounded one in our relationship. However, I do have some sort of a "vision" of what I want out of my life, and since I am the only one that is responsible for the quality of my life I am considering asking him to leave and once and for all end our relationship. I do not have a problem with alcohol and he resents me for it sometimes. I have worked hard to work the 12 steps. I don't attend many meetings and was hoping this might be a viable option for me. As far as your question about what really changes when an alcoholic stops drinking, well personally speaking, I feel that is got to be up to the alcoholic themselves. They have to be working their steps and recognizing the flaws in their own character and be willing to change or I don't feel anything will change. This is getting pretty long, so I will close for now. I hope this helps.

You'd like to know what to expect? Expect years of the same behavior. I would suggest that you start attending local Al-anon meetings to see exactly WHY you have another alcoholic in your life again. This was a saving grace for a close friend whose story sounds similar to yours. She found that she had the need to feel like she was "helping" others, a kind of sickness of her own (that we all love to call 'co-dependence'). If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children who deserve to have better role models than these men in their lives. And get rid of that guy asap.