INSANITY IS REPEATING SOMETHING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS!
I have been with my husband for 12 years. We have 2 beautiful brilliant children together who are now 10 and 8. He is an addict. The first couple years of our marriage was hell to say the least. I was the crazy running around checking on him, trying to bust him, yelling, leaving, ultimatums...you name it. I did it. Our fights would get so out of control he finally landed in jail - a couple times. Then the 3rd time he said he hit his bottom. Went to rehab. Joined NA. In the mean time I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder. I was always in a state of panic. I thought I had gone crazy. I even admitted myself into the psych ward at a hospital where I found out I wasn't crazy just co-dependant.
I was there for a week going through all sorts of different counseling sessions when one of the nurses told me to go to al-anon. When I got out ( 2 days later my husband went to rehab) I went to an alanon meeting. What a weight lifted. My husband decided to attend NA meetings. At first it was very difficult for us to communicate. A few months into all this I left him for 2 weeks. This new life style wasn't working because I didn't trust him. I didn't trust he was attending meetings and what if he found a girl at these meetings that he could relate to and I would no longer appeal to him? Someone else that he had a common interest with would appeal to him ( turns out I was basically right in my thinking
). After time I decided to attend these NA meetings with him. They were open and most everyone was accepting of my being there. We got soooo close. Our marriage, our life, was never so good. After 2 years of this and me being in alanon for 3 years we got complacent. We stopped attending. If you couldn't have already guessed? We're right back where we were before. 
He's using, I'm dealing with panic disorder once again. 
His using has been going on for a couple years now and he's in denial. My panic has been debilitating me for 7 months. 8 months ago we bought a new house. 5 months ago I lost my job. And today, I'm angry at myself for allowing this to go this far. I knew better. I know alanon works for me. But what is getting to me right now is that for the past month I have been reading the literature, working the steps and detaching. And boy, he's fighting me every step of the way. I might be detaching with an axe a little bit because I seriously need to focus on me right now, so I'm not saying "I love you" much, I'm not being affectionate, I'm not even compassionate. Which is because I think he knows better too. He tells me it's his only way to relax....yada,yada,yada, I know he knows better. I remember what he shared at meetings, I remember what he shared with me. But for some reason I can't get him to see that really I need to focus on me. I need to get better for the sake of my sanity and my children. I am exhausted. I need peace, serenity and strength. He needs me to enable and so we're back to hostility, anger and resentment. In the last year his anger went from just yelling and getting pushy towards me to actually slapping me across the face and dragging me around on the ground. 
When I don't react to him or respond to him the way he wants me to he freaks out on me. So lately I've been out right ignoring him and he still whines, pouts, yells, manipulates and tries to guilt me. I have no feelings when I see him cry or he tells me he loves me. 
I barely tell him I love him back. I am tired of this marriage working this way. I want to love him. I want to be happy again. But as I'm trying to "let it begin with me " he doesn't give me the space. 
I'm not looking for advice - as I don't believe that's what alanon is about. 
I am looking for your experience, strength and hope though so if you have any to share I'd take it gladly! And by the way, I'm planning on attending an alanon meeting tonight. I'm gonna find me a sponsor again.