After five years of sobriety, I finally met a man with six years of confirmed sobriety. I met other people at his meeting, went out with him in a group setting, and met his sponsor. He is almost 60 and I am 54.

About six months along, I am now living with him (approx. three months), I find out he has never read the "Big Book,” nor worked the steps. I feel angry, mislead, and cheated. Now at least the weird actions and reactions, I think anyway, stuff is explained.

I have heard it said that we don't have relationships we take hostages. That is, in essence, what I am allowing. He has humiliated me in front of a group of our peers at a meeting twice now. This is after I explained what I felt about how he attempted to shame and humiliate me. His response is, "I hear other guys talking like that.” I choose not to have people over because is isolates himself, and when he has to respond is has said repeatedly, "I am not going to say anything, because anything I say is wrong.” I know, what a childish response; and yes, he has other ones from sticking out his tongue too saying "na-na-na-na-na-nay.” I figured out through my sponsor and my therapist that something happened to him when he was about the age of six.

His mother was an alkie who never went to meetings or worked the steps.

I have talked to him about how important the steps are to me in understanding my part of our relationship and mistakes I make/made. He knows I call my sponsor when there are troubles; she helps me understand my part.

He then asks me what she said, I tell him; then I am wrong "See, your sponsor says I am right.” Really hard to live with. He told me he would talk to his sponsor about going through the "Big Book" and working the steps. When he related the conversation, he said, "I told my sponsor that Lindsey wants me to work the steps.” I told him that I couldn't make him work the steps that he had to do it for himself and our relationship. He has taken no further action. (This was three weeks ago.) This is common with him. He says he'll do something, then doesn't.

I know me pretty well, I feel at the end of my rope. I guess it going to be either alanon or leave him. I am writing this as my sponsor is on vacation (however, I called her last night crying, I went to a meeting and missed him with me).

I actually thought seriously about drinking last night. That sure motivated me to call my sponsor. Phil has told me he doesn't like calling his sponsor because he tells him things he doesn't want to hear.

Thank you all for reading this and any feedback is welcome. I would appreciate it. Alanon or leaving him. I just know I am grieving right now for things that might have been.

I've never posted anything outside college assignments before. Amazing what a world of pain will drive me to.

Update: Higher Power to the Rescue!! HP Comes Through~Through Prayer

I have kept this a matter of prayer to my Higher Power whom I chose to call God (H.P.).

It has taken awhile and thought you should know that time still takes time. Once I stepped out of the way AFTER talking to my fiance, telling him how I felt, and why doing the steps was so important to my growing to be ready for him, he said that he thought our relationship was worth growing: Even if he never had called his sponsor because he might tell him something he didn't want to hear!!!

If a relationship is worth having, it is worth the pain to get the gain. Will everything be O.K.? Don't know. But, I do know that through H.P. everything is possible and I need to step out of the way and let God be God more often.

I never got a reply posting on this, however, I retained my sobriety, was able to analyze through writing, and take a different action. I received results.

You can too by trying something different. The only thing that stops us is our minds. GO RECOVERY

Hi Redi,

I too am involved with another recovering alcoholic. he has been in the program for years and years and years. i am only freshly involved, maybe 3 months.

My boyfriend and I have talked about the program a LOT over the last weeks. He often tells me what i SHOULD be doing, how things work, what is what. I know that he says everything out of sheer concern and love. He doesn't want me to give up and go back to drinking. He is basically in the position that you are in with your partner. He's always suggesting that I pull out the big book or ...go to a meeting, and DO THE STEPS! It makes me feel overwhelmed, since it seems like our relationship is revolving around the program. It's all new to me, so I feel like there is soooo so much to absorb. I also feel like recovery absolutely HAS to be something that comes from within. The moment I feel like I'm doing something for him, it somehow doesn't work.

I spoke with my sponsor about it. She suggested that my boyfriend and I should completely stop talking about each others recovery. That, if I have any concerns or problems, I should call her up immediately. That if he starts telling me something about the program, I should tell him that I would prefer to consult with my sponsor. She thinks that being overly concerned about the recovery of the other person can add too much stress to the relationship...which can ultimately result in failure. I don't think it's a good idea to attempt the role of sponsor for your partner.

She also suggested that I/we join Al-anon. She says that it might help alcoholics deal with other alcoholics in a relationship. I'm not sure if that's what I'll do, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

Just my thoughts for the evening..i know i'm only new to this, but i thought i'd share. good luck!!

-j

I am new here, and losing my mind and my relationship with my husand. I have always had a strong believe in God and yet I have felt abandoned by God due to child hood abuse. God forgave me and never left me. I feel abandoned by my husband due to his way of dealing with his recovery and his daugther's recovery. They have lived this type of life style and I do not understand the behavior. So they tell me I am crazy. I want my peace and security back.