As adult children we must face the reality that we have no idea what “normal” really is in life. Our alcoholic family had functioned abnormally as a means of coping with alcoholism. Our past was often chaotic and unpredictable at home. As a result, we have no idea what is a normal family life and what is appropriate. We may have created fantasies of a perfect family or perfect life as a way to cope with our unhappy environment. My actions during the early stages of my marriage were learned from wholesome television families like the Cosby’s. A normal husband, I thought, provides for his family. A normal husband sacrifices for his family, helps around the house, mows the lawn, etc. These actions were all I had to do to have a happy marriage because that was my fantasy of a normal marriage. My divorce would soon shatter that fantasy.
The truth is that there is no such thing as normal. In life, there is only what is functional or dysfunctional for each of us, and what serves our best interest. Learning to trust basic instincts about proper behavior is important for us in learning to trust ourselves. We must confront reality and learn ways to manage conflict in our personal life instead of avoiding it. We must learn to face problems as they arise. By doing this, we develop confidence in our problem-solving ability and no longer use fantasy as an unrealistic standard or coping method. How do we learn to do these things?
Please reread the above paragraph until it sinks into your mind. Remember, there is no such thing as normal. Dysfunctional behavior was and still is present in our daily life. We may live an isolated life because our family discouraged relationships with outsiders. We learned to live in a state of constant denial by refusing to acknowledge our parent(s) alcoholism. We may lack empathy towards our family or other people. We may lack clear boundaries. We may give mixed messages to others and may misinterpret the messages they are giving us. We may experience extremes in conflict by fighting too much or too little with family or other people. These are all examples of dysfunctional behavior in life. Do you exhibit these behaviors in your daily life? Admitting we have these behaviors is the first step in learning to develop functional behaviors. I find it also helps to become aware of the moment these dysfunctional behaviors appear.
One thing I have learned from my ex-wife is the ability to place myself in the other person’s shoes. This has become an important lesson for me while dealing with my dysfunctional behaviors. I now take a few extra seconds before I react (or overreact) when a problem arises with another individual. I can not avoid the conflict or deny there is a problem. I must deal with the issue appropriately. How would you want someone to react when they have a problem that involves you? Try to see the situation from their perspective. How can you reach a solution that would benefit both of you? How can you work together at solving this particular conflict? Remember, avoiding conflict or handling it inappropriately can perpetuate anger or even hatred between individuals. As we work with others at resolving conflict, we will be developing the confidence in our problem-solving ability that I mentioned earlier in this article. We will learn to trust our inner voice and develop functional behavior patterns.
Joining a support group may give you the proper tools to develop proper coping skills. There are numerous ACOA support groups online and, possibly, in your hometown. These groups may include a twelve step program to assist you in the healing process. Also, consider joining some type of group that includes non-dysfunctional adults. This could be a group of people that meet to discuss business ideas, solutions to common (non-ACOA) problems, or even a “think” tank. By interacting with functional adults, you will receive invaluable feedback and increase your chances of developing functional behavior patterns.
Learning functional behavior patterns is an ongoing process that we must approach slowly. Some of us have lived dysfunctional lives for decades, we will not heal overnight. I also recommend working with a private counselor. A counselor that specializes in ACOA recovery or cognitive behavioral therapy can teach us methods to overcome dysfunctional behavior. It is a strong man or woman who seeks out counseling, rather than the weak one. I hope some of the ideas presented in this article help you overcome the first characteristic and change your life for the better.
Full Version: Overcoming Characteristic #1:
Socially Acceptable or Deviant Behavior?
Respectability Governs Social Perception.
Behavior that is perceived as socially deviant is highly stigmatized, which often causes as many or more problems for the person engaging in the behavior than the addiction itself -- if there even is an addiction.
There is also a large grey area between socially deviant behavior and socially accepted or "sanctioned" behavior, although sub-groups of people with addictions have their own prescribed behaviors and social sanctions that keep addicts feeling like they belong.
The Continuum of Social Acceptability
Socially Deviant:Alcoholism,Underage drinking,Illegal drug use,Excessive gambling,Sexual abuse,Exploitative sex.
Socially Problematic: Binge drinking,Public drunkenness,Drinking at the wrong time/place,Methadone maintenance, Medical marijuana,Painkiller over-use,Cigarette smoking,Binge eating,Overeating,Losing a lot of money in a gambling binge,Promiscuity,Sex work,Hard core pornography, Sexual harassment.
Socially Acceptable:Occasional/social drinking,Drinking in "drinking establishments",Appropriate painkiller use,Moderate eating,Bingo, lotteries, trips to Las Vegas,Sex within a relationship.
The categories show some examples of common addictive behaviors, which illustrate the continuum from socially deviant to socially problematic to socially acceptable behaviors in mainstream Western cultures. These are not meant to be rigid categorizations, but simply examples of how behaviors tend to be perceived -- for example, illegal activities such as underage drinking are classed as "deviant," whereas in reality, this is quite common and often accepted by youth and adults. Some behaviors have shifted position in recent decades, for example, smoking cigarettes is socially problematic, but not yet socially deviant, while it was socially acceptable thirty years ago.
Share your thoughts, what do you think?
Respectability Governs Social Perception.
Behavior that is perceived as socially deviant is highly stigmatized, which often causes as many or more problems for the person engaging in the behavior than the addiction itself -- if there even is an addiction.
There is also a large grey area between socially deviant behavior and socially accepted or "sanctioned" behavior, although sub-groups of people with addictions have their own prescribed behaviors and social sanctions that keep addicts feeling like they belong.
The Continuum of Social Acceptability
Socially Deviant:Alcoholism,Underage drinking,Illegal drug use,Excessive gambling,Sexual abuse,Exploitative sex.
Socially Problematic: Binge drinking,Public drunkenness,Drinking at the wrong time/place,Methadone maintenance, Medical marijuana,Painkiller over-use,Cigarette smoking,Binge eating,Overeating,Losing a lot of money in a gambling binge,Promiscuity,Sex work,Hard core pornography, Sexual harassment.
Socially Acceptable:Occasional/social drinking,Drinking in "drinking establishments",Appropriate painkiller use,Moderate eating,Bingo, lotteries, trips to Las Vegas,Sex within a relationship.
The categories show some examples of common addictive behaviors, which illustrate the continuum from socially deviant to socially problematic to socially acceptable behaviors in mainstream Western cultures. These are not meant to be rigid categorizations, but simply examples of how behaviors tend to be perceived -- for example, illegal activities such as underage drinking are classed as "deviant," whereas in reality, this is quite common and often accepted by youth and adults. Some behaviors have shifted position in recent decades, for example, smoking cigarettes is socially problematic, but not yet socially deviant, while it was socially acceptable thirty years ago.
Share your thoughts, what do you think?
Children Of Alcoholics: Caged, Silenced Songbirds.
Imagine a house in which a child feels that the walls and floors are constantly moving and shaking. Would anyone be at peace in such a setting? For the children of alcoholics, life can feel much this way, and it is estimated that at least seven million children in America alone have alcoholic parents.
Common characteristics of caretakers and parents that accompany alcoholism-such as denial, dishonesty, selfishness, fear, and lack of consideration-have profound and direct effects on children. In this environment, self-esteem is not able to develop normally, and the emotional energy required to live with an alcoholic parent steals from the magic of childhood. These children instead learn to create walls and barriers to honest expression, and to resist sharing their emotions and developing trust. Such roadblocks cause children to shut down their own awareness of how they feel, affecting relationships with peers, relatives, and other adults. Children are left confused and full of self-doubt as they receive mixed messages from parents who are not behaving consistently, or honestly.
Children who speak up about the problem are often met with ridicule. Many times their observations, opinions, and insights are not acknowledged at all. Because immense denial is in operation about the use of alcohol and all of the destructive behaviors associated with it, children gradually disavow what they feel and lose touch with their own sense of what feels right and true.
Before intervention or treatment, children of alcoholics are like caged songbirds. They deny their own freedom because they become used to the dysfunction of constricted feelings and to restrictive ways of solving problems and conflicts.
Common emotional problems
Depression: Children who have alcoholic parents may be at a greater genetic risk of developing a mood disorder, or they may develop depression that results from the helplessness and isolation they feel at home. It is particularly difficult when both genetics and circumstances create severe depression in children.
Guilt, shame, self-blame, and embarrassment: Children exposed to the destructive forces created by alcoholic parents tend to blame themselves for the problems at an early age. This creates the difficult cycle of codependency throughout childhood and adult life in which the child feels responsible for the family chaos and tries to fix and rescue the disabled parents. This pattern runs so deep that children and adolescents may choose destructive and abusive relationships that do not meet healthy needs. The child of an alcoholic remains locked in the past, and often there is an immense conscious or unconscious desire on their part to take care of others and to try to fix other people's problems.
Interesting observations. share your thoughts.
Imagine a house in which a child feels that the walls and floors are constantly moving and shaking. Would anyone be at peace in such a setting? For the children of alcoholics, life can feel much this way, and it is estimated that at least seven million children in America alone have alcoholic parents.
Common characteristics of caretakers and parents that accompany alcoholism-such as denial, dishonesty, selfishness, fear, and lack of consideration-have profound and direct effects on children. In this environment, self-esteem is not able to develop normally, and the emotional energy required to live with an alcoholic parent steals from the magic of childhood. These children instead learn to create walls and barriers to honest expression, and to resist sharing their emotions and developing trust. Such roadblocks cause children to shut down their own awareness of how they feel, affecting relationships with peers, relatives, and other adults. Children are left confused and full of self-doubt as they receive mixed messages from parents who are not behaving consistently, or honestly.
Children who speak up about the problem are often met with ridicule. Many times their observations, opinions, and insights are not acknowledged at all. Because immense denial is in operation about the use of alcohol and all of the destructive behaviors associated with it, children gradually disavow what they feel and lose touch with their own sense of what feels right and true.
Before intervention or treatment, children of alcoholics are like caged songbirds. They deny their own freedom because they become used to the dysfunction of constricted feelings and to restrictive ways of solving problems and conflicts.
Common emotional problems
Depression: Children who have alcoholic parents may be at a greater genetic risk of developing a mood disorder, or they may develop depression that results from the helplessness and isolation they feel at home. It is particularly difficult when both genetics and circumstances create severe depression in children.
Guilt, shame, self-blame, and embarrassment: Children exposed to the destructive forces created by alcoholic parents tend to blame themselves for the problems at an early age. This creates the difficult cycle of codependency throughout childhood and adult life in which the child feels responsible for the family chaos and tries to fix and rescue the disabled parents. This pattern runs so deep that children and adolescents may choose destructive and abusive relationships that do not meet healthy needs. The child of an alcoholic remains locked in the past, and often there is an immense conscious or unconscious desire on their part to take care of others and to try to fix other people's problems.
Interesting observations. share your thoughts.
Children of Alcoholics Can Become Super Responsible or They Can Be Super Irresponsible.
By Buddy T.
Many children who grew up in alcoholic homes tend to become super responsible with a tendency toward perfectionism. Because they faced harsh, sometimes unreasonable, criticism from their alcoholic parent, many children of alcoholics try to be "perfect" to avoid any criticism. This "solution" of hyper-responsibility can be motivated by other dynamics in an alcoholic family.
On the other hand, when their attempt at perfectionism naturally falls short, some adult children of alcoholics give up and go the opposite direction, becoming super irresponsible.
These common characteristic can not only occur in children of alcoholics, they can be an outcome for children who faced other emotional challenges while growing up.
The following shares drive this home.
*Always Taking Responsibility
I blame myself for everything and I am always taking responsibility for problems that aren't my own. I put so much into relationships that are undeserving and try to maintain my own happiness by ensuring that I can make those around me happy. -- Nineteen
*Highly Competitive Perfectionist
I'm a perfectionist, highly competitive and often over-extend myself. I feel like I'm just not quite good enough and it is very important to me to be the best. I'm always seeking approval. -- Learning
*All-Or-Nothing Attitude
I had no idea how many facets of my life were affected by growing up with drug-alcohol dependent parents. Low self-esteem, poor coping skills, anger, a "need to please" everyone so as not to rock the boat. The all-or-nothing attitude. -- Motta
*Obsessed With Being Good Enough
I have a tendency to want to rescue people and friends are those I think I can help, or else why would they want to be my friend? I'm also obsessed with being good enough, having a good enough home, tending to perfectionism. -- Invisible
*My Parents' Mother
I've had to be the mother to my parents my whole life. Because I'm older now and seem well-adjusted, no one in my family or friends takes it seriously when I need help. -- Molly
*Taking Responsibility for Everyone
I don't think growing up with an alcoholic mother has made me a victim, but I do try to take on responsibility for everyone in my life to make their lives better to the extent where their well being comes before my own. -- Ally
*I Had No Childhood
I was taught at a very early age how to take on the responsibilities of the parents - cooking, cleaning, babysitting, shopping, working, etc. I had no childhood, or at least one that I would have wanted. I was always stuck at home doing chores while one of my parents was at the bar. -- Alley
*Trying to Fix Others
I find myself still trying to fix the alcoholics of this world I have been a drug and alcohol counselor now for 13 years. I tried to make things better for all alcoholics by fixing them. When I was younger I tried to fix others -- Oldest Daughter
Are You Super Responsible?
Do you tend to take on responsibilities that really do not belong to you?
Do you tend to be a perfectionist?
You may have been affected by growing up in an alcoholic home in other ways that you do not realize.
Sources:
Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, "The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic," (Attributed to Tony A., 1978). Accessed November 2010.
Janet G. Woititz, "The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children," The Awareness Center. Accessed November 2010.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. "Helping Yourself Heal: A Recovering Woman's Guide to Coping with Childhood Abuse Issues" Updated 2008.
By Buddy T.
Many children who grew up in alcoholic homes tend to become super responsible with a tendency toward perfectionism. Because they faced harsh, sometimes unreasonable, criticism from their alcoholic parent, many children of alcoholics try to be "perfect" to avoid any criticism. This "solution" of hyper-responsibility can be motivated by other dynamics in an alcoholic family.
On the other hand, when their attempt at perfectionism naturally falls short, some adult children of alcoholics give up and go the opposite direction, becoming super irresponsible.
These common characteristic can not only occur in children of alcoholics, they can be an outcome for children who faced other emotional challenges while growing up.
The following shares drive this home.
*Always Taking Responsibility
I blame myself for everything and I am always taking responsibility for problems that aren't my own. I put so much into relationships that are undeserving and try to maintain my own happiness by ensuring that I can make those around me happy. -- Nineteen
*Highly Competitive Perfectionist
I'm a perfectionist, highly competitive and often over-extend myself. I feel like I'm just not quite good enough and it is very important to me to be the best. I'm always seeking approval. -- Learning
*All-Or-Nothing Attitude
I had no idea how many facets of my life were affected by growing up with drug-alcohol dependent parents. Low self-esteem, poor coping skills, anger, a "need to please" everyone so as not to rock the boat. The all-or-nothing attitude. -- Motta
*Obsessed With Being Good Enough
I have a tendency to want to rescue people and friends are those I think I can help, or else why would they want to be my friend? I'm also obsessed with being good enough, having a good enough home, tending to perfectionism. -- Invisible
*My Parents' Mother
I've had to be the mother to my parents my whole life. Because I'm older now and seem well-adjusted, no one in my family or friends takes it seriously when I need help. -- Molly
*Taking Responsibility for Everyone
I don't think growing up with an alcoholic mother has made me a victim, but I do try to take on responsibility for everyone in my life to make their lives better to the extent where their well being comes before my own. -- Ally
*I Had No Childhood
I was taught at a very early age how to take on the responsibilities of the parents - cooking, cleaning, babysitting, shopping, working, etc. I had no childhood, or at least one that I would have wanted. I was always stuck at home doing chores while one of my parents was at the bar. -- Alley
*Trying to Fix Others
I find myself still trying to fix the alcoholics of this world I have been a drug and alcohol counselor now for 13 years. I tried to make things better for all alcoholics by fixing them. When I was younger I tried to fix others -- Oldest Daughter
Are You Super Responsible?
Do you tend to take on responsibilities that really do not belong to you?
Do you tend to be a perfectionist?
You may have been affected by growing up in an alcoholic home in other ways that you do not realize.
Sources:
Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, "The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic," (Attributed to Tony A., 1978). Accessed November 2010.
Janet G. Woititz, "The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children," The Awareness Center. Accessed November 2010.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. "Helping Yourself Heal: A Recovering Woman's Guide to Coping with Childhood Abuse Issues" Updated 2008.
Addiction: The Pathological Pursuit of Rewards.
Addiction experts call it the pathological pursuit of rewards. It's the point at which someone's brain is affected to the point that they begin to make decisions that are obviously not in their best interests. It's the point at which "something" is in control other than their own choices.
Pursuing rewards is a normal, healthy activity for most of us. The pursuit of happiness in one form or another is the motivation for us to get up in the morning and go to work or school. Whether we gain happiness from the work itself or we work so that we can achieve other goals that we find rewarding, pursuing those rewards drives us.
However, when the pursuit of rewards becomes obsessive, compulsive or impulsive, so that it begins to dominate our lives and continues even after negative consequences, it can become an addiction. After the addictive behavior is no longer pleasurable, the pursuit of rewards reaches the pathological state.
Not Being Able to Quit
If you have ever developed an addiction, whether to alcohol, drugs or an activity such as gambling or sex, chances are you have experienced some negative effects and, as a result, have tried to stop. If you were truly addicted, chances are you found that it was not so easy to quit.
Likewise, if you are a friend or family member of someone who has an addiction, you have probably become frustrated and bewildered when the person swore to you and to himself that they would never do it again, but a short time later repeated the addictive behavior.
Pathological Pursuit of Rewards
If this has happened to you, you probably found yourself absolutely dumbfounded that you returned to the addictive behavior after knowing it would cause even more trouble. You may be even more amazed to find that you keep repeating the behavior even after it no longer gives you the same pleasure that it once did.
This state of addiction, when the activity continues in spite of negative consequences and despite the fact it is no longer rewarding, is termed by addiction experts the "pathological pursuit of rewards." It is the result of chemical changes in the reward circuitry of the brain.
How Addiction Gets Started
The reason that people engage in activity that can become addictive in the first place is either to achieve a feeling of euphoria or to relieve an emotional state of dysphoria - discomfort, dissatisfaction, anxiety or restlessness. When they drink, take drugs or participate in other reward-seeking behavior - such as gambling, eating or having sex - they experience a "high" that gives them the reward or relief they are seeking.
This high is the result of increased dopamine and opioid peptide activity in the brain's reward circuits. But after the high they experience, there is a neurochemical rebound that causes the reward function of the brain to drop below the original normal level. When the activity is repeated, the same level of euphoria or relief is not achieved.
Simply put, the person never really gets as high as they did that first time.
Lower Highs and Lower Lows
Added to the fact that the addict develops a tolerance to the high - requiring more to try to achieve the same level of euphoria - is the fact that the person does not develop a tolerance to the emotional low they feel afterward. Rather than return to "normal," they revert to a deeper state of dysphoria.
For those who have become addicted, they increase the amount of drugs they take, alcohol they drink or increase the frequency of other addictive behaviors in an effort to get back to that initial euphoric state. In fact they end up experiencing a deeper and deeper low as the brain's reward circuitry reacts to the cycle of intoxication and withdrawal.
When Reward-Seeking Becomes Pathological
According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) this is the point at which the pursuit of rewards becomes pathological:
•Reward seeking become compulsive or impulsive.
•The behavior ceases to be pleasurable.
•The behavior no longer provides relief.
No Longer a Function of Choice
To put it another way, the addicted person finds themselves compelled - despite their own intentions to stop - to repeat behaviors that are no longer rewarding to try to escape an overwhelming feeling of being ill at ease. But they find no relief.
According to ASAM, at this point addiction is no longer solely a function of choice. Consequently, the state of addiction is a miserable place to be, for the addict and for those around them.
If you think you have become addicted to a substance or an activity, you may want to answer these questions to determine if you could benefit from professional treatment. It's not just alcohol and drugs that you can become addicted to, there is a long list of behaviors that can become addictive.
Sources:
American Society of Addiction Medicine. "The Definition of Addiction (Long Version). 15 August 2011.
American Society of Addiction Medicine. "Definition Of Addiction: Frequently Asked Questions (PDF)," 15 August 2011.
Addiction experts call it the pathological pursuit of rewards. It's the point at which someone's brain is affected to the point that they begin to make decisions that are obviously not in their best interests. It's the point at which "something" is in control other than their own choices.
Pursuing rewards is a normal, healthy activity for most of us. The pursuit of happiness in one form or another is the motivation for us to get up in the morning and go to work or school. Whether we gain happiness from the work itself or we work so that we can achieve other goals that we find rewarding, pursuing those rewards drives us.
However, when the pursuit of rewards becomes obsessive, compulsive or impulsive, so that it begins to dominate our lives and continues even after negative consequences, it can become an addiction. After the addictive behavior is no longer pleasurable, the pursuit of rewards reaches the pathological state.
Not Being Able to Quit
If you have ever developed an addiction, whether to alcohol, drugs or an activity such as gambling or sex, chances are you have experienced some negative effects and, as a result, have tried to stop. If you were truly addicted, chances are you found that it was not so easy to quit.
Likewise, if you are a friend or family member of someone who has an addiction, you have probably become frustrated and bewildered when the person swore to you and to himself that they would never do it again, but a short time later repeated the addictive behavior.
Pathological Pursuit of Rewards
If this has happened to you, you probably found yourself absolutely dumbfounded that you returned to the addictive behavior after knowing it would cause even more trouble. You may be even more amazed to find that you keep repeating the behavior even after it no longer gives you the same pleasure that it once did.
This state of addiction, when the activity continues in spite of negative consequences and despite the fact it is no longer rewarding, is termed by addiction experts the "pathological pursuit of rewards." It is the result of chemical changes in the reward circuitry of the brain.
How Addiction Gets Started
The reason that people engage in activity that can become addictive in the first place is either to achieve a feeling of euphoria or to relieve an emotional state of dysphoria - discomfort, dissatisfaction, anxiety or restlessness. When they drink, take drugs or participate in other reward-seeking behavior - such as gambling, eating or having sex - they experience a "high" that gives them the reward or relief they are seeking.
This high is the result of increased dopamine and opioid peptide activity in the brain's reward circuits. But after the high they experience, there is a neurochemical rebound that causes the reward function of the brain to drop below the original normal level. When the activity is repeated, the same level of euphoria or relief is not achieved.
Simply put, the person never really gets as high as they did that first time.
Lower Highs and Lower Lows
Added to the fact that the addict develops a tolerance to the high - requiring more to try to achieve the same level of euphoria - is the fact that the person does not develop a tolerance to the emotional low they feel afterward. Rather than return to "normal," they revert to a deeper state of dysphoria.
For those who have become addicted, they increase the amount of drugs they take, alcohol they drink or increase the frequency of other addictive behaviors in an effort to get back to that initial euphoric state. In fact they end up experiencing a deeper and deeper low as the brain's reward circuitry reacts to the cycle of intoxication and withdrawal.
When Reward-Seeking Becomes Pathological
According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) this is the point at which the pursuit of rewards becomes pathological:
•Reward seeking become compulsive or impulsive.
•The behavior ceases to be pleasurable.
•The behavior no longer provides relief.
No Longer a Function of Choice
To put it another way, the addicted person finds themselves compelled - despite their own intentions to stop - to repeat behaviors that are no longer rewarding to try to escape an overwhelming feeling of being ill at ease. But they find no relief.
According to ASAM, at this point addiction is no longer solely a function of choice. Consequently, the state of addiction is a miserable place to be, for the addict and for those around them.
If you think you have become addicted to a substance or an activity, you may want to answer these questions to determine if you could benefit from professional treatment. It's not just alcohol and drugs that you can become addicted to, there is a long list of behaviors that can become addictive.
Sources:
American Society of Addiction Medicine. "The Definition of Addiction (Long Version). 15 August 2011.
American Society of Addiction Medicine. "Definition Of Addiction: Frequently Asked Questions (PDF)," 15 August 2011.
Children of Alcoholics Have Difficulty Having Fun. 
One of the characteristics that many children who had an alcoholic parent report is difficulty having fun. Because they carry around so much anger, or because they have had so many events and holidays sabotaged by the alcoholic parent, they don't even expect to have fun.
Many children who grow up in an alcoholic home seem to have many common characteristics, and one of them is not being able to "let loose" and just have fun.
*Some of the common problem shares.
Never Able to Let Loose
I've always felt different from other people, never able to let loose and have fun at social events, and always feeling alone. Everything is a competition to me; I feel like I always need to be the best, or I'm a failure. I struggle with my identity and I still don't have an answer to that "who am I" question. I'm trying my best to make sense of everything I've discovered about myself, but it's been trying and very painful. -- J.B.
Happiness Feels Fake
My happiness when present feels fake because I know it will always be overshadowed by some horrible incident. There are times when I feel as though I do not want to live because the pain is too great. How sad. -- Love
The Anger Is Still There
As a teenager I felt alone and angry and always took this out on people closest to me. I would say to myself, "I will be happier when this happens, when I get this job or move out." But over the years I have realized the anger and sadness is still there. -- Hailey
I Cannot Go Have Fun
I grew up never feeling like I was normal, never feeling like I was good enough. Now I have such low self esteem it's crippling. I can not go out and have fun like "normal" adults. -- Taylor
Stunted My Emotions
I think growing up with an alcoholic step-father has stunted my emotions, seems I get saddened easily, but the happy emotions are very low. Things people are normally jumping up and down about don't give me the same amount of excitement. Don't get me wrong, I still feel happiness, but not to the extent most people do. -- Biggie
Can you relate? Share your thoughts!
One of the characteristics that many children who had an alcoholic parent report is difficulty having fun. Because they carry around so much anger, or because they have had so many events and holidays sabotaged by the alcoholic parent, they don't even expect to have fun.
Many children who grow up in an alcoholic home seem to have many common characteristics, and one of them is not being able to "let loose" and just have fun.
*Some of the common problem shares.
Never Able to Let Loose
I've always felt different from other people, never able to let loose and have fun at social events, and always feeling alone. Everything is a competition to me; I feel like I always need to be the best, or I'm a failure. I struggle with my identity and I still don't have an answer to that "who am I" question. I'm trying my best to make sense of everything I've discovered about myself, but it's been trying and very painful. -- J.B.
Happiness Feels Fake
My happiness when present feels fake because I know it will always be overshadowed by some horrible incident. There are times when I feel as though I do not want to live because the pain is too great. How sad. -- Love
The Anger Is Still There
As a teenager I felt alone and angry and always took this out on people closest to me. I would say to myself, "I will be happier when this happens, when I get this job or move out." But over the years I have realized the anger and sadness is still there. -- Hailey
I Cannot Go Have Fun
I grew up never feeling like I was normal, never feeling like I was good enough. Now I have such low self esteem it's crippling. I can not go out and have fun like "normal" adults. -- Taylor
Stunted My Emotions
I think growing up with an alcoholic step-father has stunted my emotions, seems I get saddened easily, but the happy emotions are very low. Things people are normally jumping up and down about don't give me the same amount of excitement. Don't get me wrong, I still feel happiness, but not to the extent most people do. -- Biggie
Can you relate? Share your thoughts!
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