I'm in love with (and married to) an active alcoholic.
My first husband is also an alcoholic. We were divorced over 25 years ago. Now, after all these years, I've married another.
It's different this time. This time I KNEW the man I was marrying is an alcoholic. Yet, at the age of 52, and knowing and understanding alcoholism, I married him and believed he would change.
And, perhaps he will. I know he wants to, but hasn't been able to push past the disease. He's a very pleasant drinker. Cheerful...energetic...gets lots of things done around the house and in the workshop...but an active alcoholic, nevertheless...and not the man I love, when he drinks. He also doesn't earn much income as a result of his drinking.
Be that as it may, I spend so much time fixating on HIS drinking and HIS shortcomings, that I don't spend any time on my own faults. And I need to.
How do I even begin?
Full Version: New...and Lost
QUOTE(Sharon F @ Aug 10 2004, 04:14 PM)
I'm in love with (and married to) an active alcoholic.
Be that as it may, I spend so much time fixating on HIS drinking and HIS shortcomings, that I don't spend any time on my own faults. And I need to.
How do I even begin?
Be that as it may, I spend so much time fixating on HIS drinking and HIS shortcomings, that I don't spend any time on my own faults. And I need to.
How do I even begin?
Hi!
I found your post - this site is new to me but similar to an art site I belong to.
My story is similar to yours ; my ex was a "dry alcoholic" - he didn't drink but he was an alcoholic in his behaviours and such. We divorced after 10 years of marriage (12 years ago).
Now I am involved with a guy who (surprise!) is an alcoholic. This revelation came about two weeks ago when I went to Montana to visit with him... He lived here in NJ for 8 months of our courtship and then moved to Montana to "care for his mom and stepdad" (who had a stroke but was really doing quite well). I came to find out that the REAL reason he moved was because his license had been suspended in CA a year anda half before - he'd been driving with a license that appeared to be valid but, in fact, had been suspended. When the time came for his renewal, he knew he wouldn't be able to get it, and without a "valid" license, he couldn't drive anywhere... so he moved home.
I was suspicious that "perhaps" he had a "problem," but he's a charmer and a master manipulator - I chose to believe his lies and excuses... those days are over though... after several incredibly irrational arguments (via telephone) and witnessing some pretty heavy drinking the few times I traveled to MT. to visit, I finally met up with his siblings on my last trip, two weeks ago, and they confirmed that he is, indeed, and alcoholic.
It all hit the proverbial fan on Sunday night - another irrational argument followed by a restless night full of drunks and MORE irrational arguments... I woke up Sunday and sent off an email to him - basically telling him "me or the booze"
I've been in contact with his sisters - one thinks I did the right thing, the other thinks I was a bit extreme... I don't know what to think!
Like your husband, my b/f is a pleasant drinker -- sweet and loving (most of the time) when he's drinking. He tends to be much more affectionate but he can occasionally swing just as hard in the complete opposite direction - not that he gets physically abusive, but he does get nasty and irrational... and I can't deal with that whole Jeckyll and Hyde thing.
I was supposed to move to Montana to live with him but I'm thinking he needs to do something about his disease before I take that leap of faith and get more tangled up in it than I already am...
As far as your problem is concerned, I wouldn't know where to begin to help you... I understand the whole "focusing on him" thing... I'd give up on trying to fix him - those are HIS weeds in HIS garden... let HIM fix it. Perhaps you should also be focusing less on you "faults" and more on taking care of yourself and keeping yourself emotionally healthy...
Just dos centavos from someone who also trys to weed everyone else' s garden while my own is being overrun...
Marti
My name is Chris and I am an alcoholic. I just came from a meeting here in San Francisco in a rough part of town. I was speaking about my experience, strenght and hope. My wife has been with me through all of it, but only because i became wiling to change. The first step is admitting I was powerless over my disease and my life was unmanagable. That started me on the road to sobriety. My wife and I are still married, and my mood swings are considrably better. I will never be a normal guy, thank God! I am very grateful to be sober, have a new faith, and can face life with courage. The support of my loving wife has really been a big help for me.
My common law spouse has an addictive personality. Together we've licked his gambling and smoking but drinking seems to be too much for both of us. He's a wonderful guy and has overcome a lot, including an abusive father and an alcoholic mother.
I used to think that alcoholics drank all the time. Paul doesn't, he just can't stop himself when he gets started. He can be a lovable drunk or a destructive drunk depending on the emotion that started him drinking in the first place. We have great "morning after" talks and he promises to try to stop and go to AA but he can't keep with it. He found the AA sessions helpful but he can't seem to get into the daily routine, or he really doesn't want to, I don't know which.
I hate who he becomes when he drinks. I hate the lying and I hate the fact that I don't trust him anymore. I resent the fact that alcohol deprives me of his company. I've been thinking about Al-Anon for awhile but this is the first time I've done anything about it. I'm soooooooooooo tired and I don't know what to do.
I used to think that alcoholics drank all the time. Paul doesn't, he just can't stop himself when he gets started. He can be a lovable drunk or a destructive drunk depending on the emotion that started him drinking in the first place. We have great "morning after" talks and he promises to try to stop and go to AA but he can't keep with it. He found the AA sessions helpful but he can't seem to get into the daily routine, or he really doesn't want to, I don't know which.
I hate who he becomes when he drinks. I hate the lying and I hate the fact that I don't trust him anymore. I resent the fact that alcohol deprives me of his company. I've been thinking about Al-Anon for awhile but this is the first time I've done anything about it. I'm soooooooooooo tired and I don't know what to do.
Hi Julia and Chris - thanks for the feedback!
You are lucky Chris - not only because you are in recovery but because you have someone who was willing to stay at your side through it all.
I understand that the willingness to admit, and then the courage to change the drinking behaviour is the key ingredient to a successful recovery. I'm not sure, however, what it takes for someone to get to the point where they will finally admit (out loud) that they have a probelm. My b/f KNOWS his drinking is a problem - lost license, lost relationships, loss of self esteem - he's living in his mother's basement -- how much lower does he need to go before he can honestly say "This is a problem"? I've tried pointing things out to him (it only makes him angry and feel worse - that is not my goal) I"ve tried encouragement - telling him how good he'll feel when he is 100% involved in life 100% of the time... I've tried manipulation ("If you don't quit...") He just got a new job which will require him to move to Jamaica W.I. - he wants me to join him but after our last blow up, I told him I wouldn't live with him unless he quit drinking and got help. He's willing to quit (but I honestly don't have much faith in that) but he's not willing to get help... so, here I am... I gave him an ultimatum and now I feel as though I must follow through with what I said.
Julia, it's great that your SO has done so much for himself! It sounds like he is a pretty willful person - with time I'm sure he'll kick the drinking habit as well! Has he tried going to any AA meetings? Perhaps if he'll commit to going for one month, something will "click" for him... Just a thought
You are lucky Chris - not only because you are in recovery but because you have someone who was willing to stay at your side through it all.
I understand that the willingness to admit, and then the courage to change the drinking behaviour is the key ingredient to a successful recovery. I'm not sure, however, what it takes for someone to get to the point where they will finally admit (out loud) that they have a probelm. My b/f KNOWS his drinking is a problem - lost license, lost relationships, loss of self esteem - he's living in his mother's basement -- how much lower does he need to go before he can honestly say "This is a problem"? I've tried pointing things out to him (it only makes him angry and feel worse - that is not my goal) I"ve tried encouragement - telling him how good he'll feel when he is 100% involved in life 100% of the time... I've tried manipulation ("If you don't quit...") He just got a new job which will require him to move to Jamaica W.I. - he wants me to join him but after our last blow up, I told him I wouldn't live with him unless he quit drinking and got help. He's willing to quit (but I honestly don't have much faith in that) but he's not willing to get help... so, here I am... I gave him an ultimatum and now I feel as though I must follow through with what I said.
Julia, it's great that your SO has done so much for himself! It sounds like he is a pretty willful person - with time I'm sure he'll kick the drinking habit as well! Has he tried going to any AA meetings? Perhaps if he'll commit to going for one month, something will "click" for him... Just a thought
QUOTE(Julia @ Aug 17 2004, 06:00 PM)
I hate who he becomes when he drinks. I hate the lying and I hate the fact that I don't trust him anymore. I resent the fact that alcohol deprives me of his company. I've been thinking about Al-Anon for awhile but this is the first time I've done anything about it. I'm soooooooooooo tired and I don't know what to do.
Julia,
I can totally relate to what you said about hating who he becomes... I call it the Jeckyll and Hyde factor - never knowing if it's the guy I love or his evil twin...
I, too, have been contemplating Al-Anon for a while but after our most recent argument (he was drunk) I knew I needed help and I knew I could not handle this on my own.
Have you actually gone to a meeting? I know where and when there is one locally but... well, OK, I'm scared. Scared that I'll be the only one there, scared that I won't know what they're doing -- scared that I won't "fit in" --- but I know I need to go so, once again I say, "maybe this week"
Thanks for your topic. I too was married to an alcoholic for 7 years. He was a very nice person. Still is. Unfortunately I could not live with his active drinking. I made the decision to go to Alanon. That was the best choice I ever made. Through fellowship and learning more about myself I made the very difficult decision to end the marriage. I learned to focus on myself and change what I could and accept that I could not change another person. No matter how much I loved them. No one can really tell you what you should do. You can only make that decison for yourself.
I heard this years ago at an Al-anon meeting and have never forgot it.
"Think about how difficult it is to change yourself. Then think about how much more difficult it would be to change somebody else."
You have to live with whatever actions you take. Nobody else can tell you what to do. They can only share their own experience.
Twenty years ago I was given an ultimatum by a partner. And I stopped drinking. I didn't go to meetings, but I did stop drinking. I was a dry drunk, unhappy and unknowingly resentful of my partner that I could no longer drink. The resentment grew stronger and stronger. It took only 6 months to come to the surface and for me to pick up the booze again. The relationship only survived a couple more months.
I honestly believe that it would have been better for both of us if I had not given in to the ultimatum. It would have saved a lot of anger and heartbreak on both our parts. Eventually I did get sober. But I had to do it on my own time, not somebody elses.
I hope that some of this might be helpful to you.
"Think about how difficult it is to change yourself. Then think about how much more difficult it would be to change somebody else."
You have to live with whatever actions you take. Nobody else can tell you what to do. They can only share their own experience.
Twenty years ago I was given an ultimatum by a partner. And I stopped drinking. I didn't go to meetings, but I did stop drinking. I was a dry drunk, unhappy and unknowingly resentful of my partner that I could no longer drink. The resentment grew stronger and stronger. It took only 6 months to come to the surface and for me to pick up the booze again. The relationship only survived a couple more months.
I honestly believe that it would have been better for both of us if I had not given in to the ultimatum. It would have saved a lot of anger and heartbreak on both our parts. Eventually I did get sober. But I had to do it on my own time, not somebody elses.
I hope that some of this might be helpful to you.
Ouch, Pantherone...
I recently told my b/f "Me or the Booze" - like you he said he would quit (he hasn't yet, as far as I know) AND I said he had to get help (AA or whatever). He agreed to quitting but not to the help. I KNOW that if he quits and doesn't seek help, he will become nothing more than a dry (angry) drunk. I don't think it will be any better for our relationship than his drinking...
Thanks for your words of wisdom.
Marti
I recently told my b/f "Me or the Booze" - like you he said he would quit (he hasn't yet, as far as I know) AND I said he had to get help (AA or whatever). He agreed to quitting but not to the help. I KNOW that if he quits and doesn't seek help, he will become nothing more than a dry (angry) drunk. I don't think it will be any better for our relationship than his drinking...
Thanks for your words of wisdom.
Marti
I am writing because I feel very isolated. I am the wife of a "recovering" addict. I say "recovering" because well he is not drinking nor doing any drugs for several months now, but has not gone back to AA or NA which he had been actively involved in four years ago. We moved to Oregon from LA in June and it has helped, but I still wonder at night whether he will go back out there, looking for a high.
We are having a lot of problems in our relationship; communication is poor and our intimacy is lacking. We have overcome several huge obstacles over the years and tonight I feel like our new obstacles are going to get the best of us. He isn't drinking anymore, but he still reacts the same way to every day problems that arise. I sometimes don't know how much longer I can go on like this. When he doesn't deal with anything, it hurts me and it hurts our relationship. I feel like he doesn't care about what I am feeling, that he just isn't capable of stepping outside of his self-centeredness and think about me.
I can't seem to let go of the past and sometimes I don't think I want to. I can't forget about the night I went into labor with our child and he decided to go out and get drunk and didn't make it to see his baby be born. I can't forget all the holidays he ruined because he decided to spend all our money on alcohol and drugs. I can't forget about all the jobs he went through because he couldn't go either because he was getting sober or getting drunk.
I hoping that maybe someone out there can give me some insight or just be my friend. How do I start healing? How do I start to forgive him and forgive myself?
We are having a lot of problems in our relationship; communication is poor and our intimacy is lacking. We have overcome several huge obstacles over the years and tonight I feel like our new obstacles are going to get the best of us. He isn't drinking anymore, but he still reacts the same way to every day problems that arise. I sometimes don't know how much longer I can go on like this. When he doesn't deal with anything, it hurts me and it hurts our relationship. I feel like he doesn't care about what I am feeling, that he just isn't capable of stepping outside of his self-centeredness and think about me.
I can't seem to let go of the past and sometimes I don't think I want to. I can't forget about the night I went into labor with our child and he decided to go out and get drunk and didn't make it to see his baby be born. I can't forget all the holidays he ruined because he decided to spend all our money on alcohol and drugs. I can't forget about all the jobs he went through because he couldn't go either because he was getting sober or getting drunk.
I hoping that maybe someone out there can give me some insight or just be my friend. How do I start healing? How do I start to forgive him and forgive myself?
Jolene,
You need to go to Alanon. You need to work on you. You need to find out how to
get the strength if you want to leave him and you need to find some
friends that are in the same position you are.
You can go to our links page and search around to see if you can find
your home town and how to get in touch with alanon or write the the club manager
here because he has a better understanding of the links page and will be better able to direct you.
Just join the mail part of the site, click on club mail you can send him a
note from there.
Hugs,
And hang in there, there is an answer.
Hugs,
PamW
You need to go to Alanon. You need to work on you. You need to find out how to
get the strength if you want to leave him and you need to find some
friends that are in the same position you are.
You can go to our links page and search around to see if you can find
your home town and how to get in touch with alanon or write the the club manager
here because he has a better understanding of the links page and will be better able to direct you.
Just join the mail part of the site, click on club mail you can send him a
note from there.
Hugs,
And hang in there, there is an answer.
Hugs,
PamW
Hello all,
I haven't posted for a few months now. My ex husband (who lives with me) has had a couple of slips in those months. The latest one was pretty violent. He completly loses it when he drinks and is in a negative frame of mind to begin with. After a week of soul searching I have asked him to leave. As much as this breaks my heart, I know I am making the right choice for me and my kids, who also witness the violence. He has attended AA on a regular basis but has been stuck on step 2 forever. The latest point of contention has been his responsiblilty to apologize for his actions. He says that since he blacks out, he doesn't have any memory and therefore cannot apologize. He also says that since he is not at the step to make amends he isn't ready. I have read both Al-Anon daily books and I have not found the answer to this question. However, I personally feel that he ows his kids and myself an apology. I have also realized this. Alcoholism is definately a mental health issue, and often the alcohol use and abuse just masks a large mental health issue (ie: depression). I just know that I don't have the will or the strength to deal with it anymore. I also know that I have to set some sort of example for me kids about what a healthy relationship should be. One last thing I am struggling with; he tells me that if I would attend Al-anon meetings I would understand what he is going through? I say to that that Al-Anon is not about focusing on what the alcoholic is going through, but focusing on what is good for me, am I right or just misimformed here? Somtimes I feel like it was all about him when he was drinking and it is still all about him. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest~Tina
I haven't posted for a few months now. My ex husband (who lives with me) has had a couple of slips in those months. The latest one was pretty violent. He completly loses it when he drinks and is in a negative frame of mind to begin with. After a week of soul searching I have asked him to leave. As much as this breaks my heart, I know I am making the right choice for me and my kids, who also witness the violence. He has attended AA on a regular basis but has been stuck on step 2 forever. The latest point of contention has been his responsiblilty to apologize for his actions. He says that since he blacks out, he doesn't have any memory and therefore cannot apologize. He also says that since he is not at the step to make amends he isn't ready. I have read both Al-Anon daily books and I have not found the answer to this question. However, I personally feel that he ows his kids and myself an apology. I have also realized this. Alcoholism is definately a mental health issue, and often the alcohol use and abuse just masks a large mental health issue (ie: depression). I just know that I don't have the will or the strength to deal with it anymore. I also know that I have to set some sort of example for me kids about what a healthy relationship should be. One last thing I am struggling with; he tells me that if I would attend Al-anon meetings I would understand what he is going through? I say to that that Al-Anon is not about focusing on what the alcoholic is going through, but focusing on what is good for me, am I right or just misimformed here? Somtimes I feel like it was all about him when he was drinking and it is still all about him. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest~Tina
Hi, Tina. I'm glad you're here. My husband also tried to justify hitting me with, I was drunk, it shouldn't count. Wrong answer. If you don't want to do those things, then don't put the substance in your body that takes you to that place. If you don't want to get drunk, don't drink.
And there does come a time when you realize that you can't save the other person. That is something they must do on their own and they do not have to stay under your roof to do it. Sometimes making them leave is just what they need to hit bottom.
But you must take care of you! If you don't you will not be there for your kids. You CAN set boundaries. You CAN learn to love with detachment.
We're here for you, anytime you want to talk.
And there does come a time when you realize that you can't save the other person. That is something they must do on their own and they do not have to stay under your roof to do it. Sometimes making them leave is just what they need to hit bottom.
But you must take care of you! If you don't you will not be there for your kids. You CAN set boundaries. You CAN learn to love with detachment.
We're here for you, anytime you want to talk.
[Hi, I just found this site, I am in need of a meeting,asap. I cannot go because i am babysitting my granddaughter, 4 mos. She is the daughter of my son(36) who is an active drug and alochol addict. All I do is give in to him and I know it is not helping. I cannot tell you how much $ I have given him just in this week. I know all he does is drink it or drug it. He cries, and goes on and on about what a looser and idoit he is. It is heartbreaking. I say I am not giving any more money to him that this is the end, but I cannot seem to say NO, IT IS OVER. I am going to loose my husband and life if i dont stop. I need help.
thank you
I also have a 26 yr old daughter, same problem, tried suicide, very sick for a long time. a 7 yr old son, abusing pills and probably more (heroin, crack) I have a double whammy.
thanks
thank you
I also have a 26 yr old daughter, same problem, tried suicide, very sick for a long time. a 7 yr old son, abusing pills and probably more (heroin, crack) I have a double whammy.
thanks
lin,
sounds like you are very aware of your actions and the possible ramifications of those same actions. you must decide which of the options you have are really valid possible courses of action.
as has been noted before, alanon is probably the best place for you to learn about detaching, but, if you just need a meeting now.
there are several on the net.
you did not say whether or not you are an alcoholic
but, if so,
there is one at e-aa.org now.
and one at aaonline.org still going.
or there is chat at same places
for alanon, i would suggest
.alanon-alateen.org as a starting point.
i wish you well, and trust that HP will keep yyou.
don
sounds like you are very aware of your actions and the possible ramifications of those same actions. you must decide which of the options you have are really valid possible courses of action.
as has been noted before, alanon is probably the best place for you to learn about detaching, but, if you just need a meeting now.
there are several on the net.
you did not say whether or not you are an alcoholic
but, if so,
there is one at e-aa.org now.
and one at aaonline.org still going.
or there is chat at same places
for alanon, i would suggest
.alanon-alateen.org as a starting point.
i wish you well, and trust that HP will keep yyou.
don
Hi Lin,
Sounds like you are in a difficult place just now. Another website you might find helpful and supportive is www.gettingthemsober.com. It's specially for people who live with or are associated with alcoholics. Lots of people go on there every day and share their experiences. Plus excerpts from books etc. Worth a try. Can't give you a miracle cure. best wishes
alleycat
Sounds like you are in a difficult place just now. Another website you might find helpful and supportive is www.gettingthemsober.com. It's specially for people who live with or are associated with alcoholics. Lots of people go on there every day and share their experiences. Plus excerpts from books etc. Worth a try. Can't give you a miracle cure. best wishes
alleycat
I found this site by what i thought was a mistake, but when i found myself in tears i knew it wasnt by mistake. I read everyone's reply and could relate a little to everyone. I am living with my boyfriend of 3 years, we have 4 children together and he is actively drinking and has no intention of stopping. Ive tried to leave him so many times i've lost count, but it is so hard. I feel so lonely when he's gone that i convince myself the countless money towards alchohol and the arguments are better than sitting home alone. I think the reason i'm seeking help now is because he was drunk, literally at 8 am this morning, and i cannot for the world of me understand why anyone would want to be drinking that early. I guess i'm just looking for alittle advice and some supportive friends. I know the first thing people are going to think is "you need to leave that loser" bad thing is, is that i know i do. i just dont know how. I love him, I dont know why or how, but I do.
Maria- I hear you and believe me, there are many of us who are in the same situation. It is difficult to leave someone you love. I have been living with an alcoholic for 10 years now, his alcoholism didn't show up for awhile but if I had known what I know now I would have had more strength. Al-Alanon has given me the tools to look after myself. I am still living with the alcoholic but have been making the steps to permanently detach from him. He is sober now but has not been seeking the help that he needs to keep sobriety but I am continuting to seek the help that I need to get better. No one will judge you for what you feel. Alanon will help you get the strength to make the decision that is right for you at the right time. Treat yourself nicely, and look after your children and thank you for your courage.
I recently completed a family week at the Betty Ford Center. I am very proud to have received my medalion with the serenity prayer. Even though family week is an intense learning program, I am just as dumb as ever. Maybe even more so because I know better. I understand the co-dependency behavior, and how the co-dependent suffers similar physical and cognitive disorders as the addict. I feel weak, sad, insecure, and lonely. I forget and lose things like my hand bag, books, keys, CD's, and everything. I have sudden panic attacks, and feelings of hopelessness. I have a great therapist, and have been to only one alanon meeting since family week at BFC (nov 7-12). I am a 28 year old college student, and find these meetings impossible to fit in to my school schedule; I have a heavy load from morning to night.
My Dad is a functional alcoholic. We grew up walking on egg shells. His mood determined ours, and still my Mom's.
My fiance is an alcoholic in denial. He is the one that went to BFC. I called off the wedding because he is a cocaine addict. he asked me to support him though therapy, and I said yes. He also said that alcohol is not his problem that he just wants help getting off the cocaine. Well, we all know he has to stop drinking to successfully go into recovery, but he is in denial. As it turned out, he bailed out of BFC 5 days early and went straight to a casino. I stayed with his Dad for family week.
He blames me for everything. He says that all I do is bitch and nag at him. I try to leave him, but then he shows remorse. I am going insane. I would rather die than continue this roller-coaster, but I can't successfully get off. He is right, I do bitch at him. I can't help it. He says I am not supportive of him, but I can't hold his hand through reckless behavior. For God's sake, I went all the way to California to support him, and I am here after 4 1/2 years. Why do I feel so sorry for him when he shows remorse? Why do I let him manipulate me, and for God's sake, why can't I take control of my life. I am so preoccupied with him and whether he is really going to those meetings (which I doubt); not to mention he is still drinking, and last weekend he used cocaine. He says he isn't going to do it again, yeah right!
My Dad is a functional alcoholic. We grew up walking on egg shells. His mood determined ours, and still my Mom's.
My fiance is an alcoholic in denial. He is the one that went to BFC. I called off the wedding because he is a cocaine addict. he asked me to support him though therapy, and I said yes. He also said that alcohol is not his problem that he just wants help getting off the cocaine. Well, we all know he has to stop drinking to successfully go into recovery, but he is in denial. As it turned out, he bailed out of BFC 5 days early and went straight to a casino. I stayed with his Dad for family week.
He blames me for everything. He says that all I do is bitch and nag at him. I try to leave him, but then he shows remorse. I am going insane. I would rather die than continue this roller-coaster, but I can't successfully get off. He is right, I do bitch at him. I can't help it. He says I am not supportive of him, but I can't hold his hand through reckless behavior. For God's sake, I went all the way to California to support him, and I am here after 4 1/2 years. Why do I feel so sorry for him when he shows remorse? Why do I let him manipulate me, and for God's sake, why can't I take control of my life. I am so preoccupied with him and whether he is really going to those meetings (which I doubt); not to mention he is still drinking, and last weekend he used cocaine. He says he isn't going to do it again, yeah right!
Dear Lin,
Thank God that baby has you. Hang on to her! Fight for her!!!
I am here because my sister is messed up on drugs also but I have been very cold, not giving her my compassion which I feel very bad about.
She is a mess and I am not on this earth to clean it up! She spends hours on the phone with me telling me how bad her life is and she is a bottomless pit of problems. She has the worst luck in the world and sees no responsibility in any part of the messed up life that has become hers.
I fear getting to close to her because like a drowning victim she will try to take me with her. I have my own family and my own problems. I even tried drugs and alcohol, but I had to decide to stop on my own, i don't think anything anyone could have said or done would have helped me. One observation I can make is that I didn't have anyone in my life to pick up my pieces, Ihad friends I could cry to but nothing more. I think that because I finally realized that this is my life and my responsibility, I finally took the iniative. I had no grand hitting rock bottom, no arrest, no big job loss, I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired and I became amazed at what I could accomplish on my own. Will Power, no, I think I had some bad habits, not a disease so I really should have some compassion.
My sister's two children are now young adults complete with all the scars of the battle. She called me today and wants her 20 year old boy to visit so I can straighten him out and I am at a loss. While I think I will let him come, I will also have to lay down the law
Thank God that baby has you. Hang on to her! Fight for her!!!
I am here because my sister is messed up on drugs also but I have been very cold, not giving her my compassion which I feel very bad about.
She is a mess and I am not on this earth to clean it up! She spends hours on the phone with me telling me how bad her life is and she is a bottomless pit of problems. She has the worst luck in the world and sees no responsibility in any part of the messed up life that has become hers.
I fear getting to close to her because like a drowning victim she will try to take me with her. I have my own family and my own problems. I even tried drugs and alcohol, but I had to decide to stop on my own, i don't think anything anyone could have said or done would have helped me. One observation I can make is that I didn't have anyone in my life to pick up my pieces, Ihad friends I could cry to but nothing more. I think that because I finally realized that this is my life and my responsibility, I finally took the iniative. I had no grand hitting rock bottom, no arrest, no big job loss, I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired and I became amazed at what I could accomplish on my own. Will Power, no, I think I had some bad habits, not a disease so I really should have some compassion.
My sister's two children are now young adults complete with all the scars of the battle. She called me today and wants her 20 year old boy to visit so I can straighten him out and I am at a loss. While I think I will let him come, I will also have to lay down the law
QUOTE(Marti @ Aug 21 2004, 12:27 PM)
QUOTE(Julia @ Aug 17 2004, 06:00 PM)
I hate who he becomes when he drinks. I hate the lying and I hate the fact that I don't trust him anymore. I resent the fact that alcohol deprives me of his company. I've been thinking about Al-Anon for awhile but this is the first time I've done anything about it. I'm soooooooooooo tired and I don't know what to do.
Julia,
I can totally relate to what you said about hating who he becomes... I call it the Jeckyll and Hyde factor - never knowing if it's the guy I love or his evil twin...
I, too, have been contemplating Al-Anon for a while but after our most recent argument (he was drunk) I knew I needed help and I knew I could not handle this on my own.
Julia & Marti,
My husband is an alcoholic and most definitely depicts the Jeckyll / Hyde factor. I have been in therapy, am taking anti-depressant medication and was doing fine for a while, so..quit therapy, didn't go to meetings (which I rarely did anyway). The stress has been creeping back into my life and now affecting me physically as well as emotionally, I'm overwhelmed and not sure why. I've developed temporomandibular (jaw) disorders, also called "TMJ" So, its really got my attention this time and I cannot deny there is a problem.. I am beginning to feel the fear and anxiety again, always trying to put out little fires at home, avoiding confrontation (i.e. communication), etc. You cannot argue or have meaningful discussions with someone who's been drinking and so it makes it hard when 90% of the time you spend with this person on a daily basis is between drinks! I have been building up resentments and walls, and there is regular flare-ups regarding the kids, money, cars, whatever...my daughter has developed stress related problems and it hit me hard when she called me into her room when I was sitting there listening to my husband gripe, to tell me to get away from it somehow. I realized that I didn't want to teach her my sick behavior of pretending nothing is wrong, (ignore the elephant in the room, so to speak). My son 17 and daughter 19 are living at home and deal the best they can in situations as they occur. I'm verryyy tired these days...every day is a challenge, but I can't give up hope! I'm going back to therapy and thought I'd try this online help. Thanks!
[COLOR=blue]
Hi there,
I just want to encourage you as I also have a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde alcoholic husband. I have never been to a face to face Alanon meeting, but have been visiting online meetings and chat rooms for the past week trying to get my bearings. I asked my husband to leave or get inpatient help (he is in outpatient treatment right now but is still drinking & driving at least twice a week). He is a binger, and that is the most stressful thing because I never know when it's coming. He doesn't drink at home so he will just not come home after work, won't call, etc. until he comes home some time in the middle of the night drunk. My kids and I are walking on eggshells all the time because he is very irritable and moody when he isn't drinking, and if he does come home after drinking, he is just plain annoying. My husband left after I wouldn't budge on my ultimatum yesterday. He got a place to stay for a month and said that he thinks he can get sober with just the outpatient programs and AA meetings. I know he can (he has done it before) but I guess I just didn't want to continue watching him self-destruct. I don't want my kids to grow up in an emotionally unhealthy environment. I still have much to learn but I am trying to take care of me and my kids now, and let my husband take care of himself.
Hi there,
I just want to encourage you as I also have a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde alcoholic husband. I have never been to a face to face Alanon meeting, but have been visiting online meetings and chat rooms for the past week trying to get my bearings. I asked my husband to leave or get inpatient help (he is in outpatient treatment right now but is still drinking & driving at least twice a week). He is a binger, and that is the most stressful thing because I never know when it's coming. He doesn't drink at home so he will just not come home after work, won't call, etc. until he comes home some time in the middle of the night drunk. My kids and I are walking on eggshells all the time because he is very irritable and moody when he isn't drinking, and if he does come home after drinking, he is just plain annoying. My husband left after I wouldn't budge on my ultimatum yesterday. He got a place to stay for a month and said that he thinks he can get sober with just the outpatient programs and AA meetings. I know he can (he has done it before) but I guess I just didn't want to continue watching him self-destruct. I don't want my kids to grow up in an emotionally unhealthy environment. I still have much to learn but I am trying to take care of me and my kids now, and let my husband take care of himself.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I have been dealing with my alcoholic husband for over 10 years. We have always had good income but he blew everything so we have nothing to show for our hard work. He has been verbally abusive to me many times and even says things to my children at times that makes me hurt. He hates to be at home because he cannot drink here. He stays gone all the time with his "buddies" who like to party as much as he does. He has tried to quit drinking numerous times but it never lasts. He has gone to counseling but that never lasts more than a session or two. He has busted up walls and cars and has more traffic tickets (DUI included) than I can remember. It is like watching a time bomb..waiting for him to explode next. Other times he would break down crying and talk about all he could depend on was me and how he was going to do better. Well, last Fall he left me. He comes to the house to see the kids weekly and is very nice to me but I know by several different things I have found out by accident that is partying like crazy. Drinking during the day and racking up a DUI. Why can't I stop hurting over this?? I mean he is gone, I have money in the bank for the first time ever, my kids are fine, and he and I no longer fight or have ugly conversations. But I hurt so bad that he is gone and I worry. I hate that he is still drinking and that it is no longer "my problem" to lie about or fix for him so why do I hurt so bad sometimes. Why doesn't he want me anymore? I have been the only stable influence he has had in his life. How can he walk away from me? I am so screwed up in the head. 
Hi everyone I have been in alanon for 19 years and it saved my life I think God eveyday that I went to that first meeting.
I have been married to 33 years and for the last seven he has been sober to my shock when I let go of him fully he went to a rehab.
I never thought he would ever give up the drugs and the drinking. My children love there father and know that he is sick and he has a bad disease and it runs in families they are both adults and do not drink which makes me very happy.
Alanon gave me tools on how to talk to the alcoholic and when not to.
Thank God for Allanon it gave me a peace I would never have had any were else I felt so alone tell I went everyone there has a story to tell to go hear and learn. thanks Kitt.
I have been married to 33 years and for the last seven he has been sober to my shock when I let go of him fully he went to a rehab.
I never thought he would ever give up the drugs and the drinking. My children love there father and know that he is sick and he has a bad disease and it runs in families they are both adults and do not drink which makes me very happy.
Alanon gave me tools on how to talk to the alcoholic and when not to.
Thank God for Allanon it gave me a peace I would never have had any were else I felt so alone tell I went everyone there has a story to tell to go hear and learn. thanks Kitt.
QUOTE(Maria @ Nov 6 2004, 09:03 AM)
I found this site by what i thought was a mistake, but when i found myself in tears i knew it wasnt by mistake. I read everyone's reply and could relate a little to everyone. I am living with my boyfriend of 3 years, we have 4 children together and he is actively drinking and has no intention of stopping. Ive tried to leave him so many times i've lost count, but it is so hard. I feel so lonely when he's gone that i convince myself the countless money towards alchohol and the arguments are better than sitting home alone. I think the reason i'm seeking help now is because he was drunk, literally at 8 am this morning, and i cannot for the world of me understand why anyone would want to be drinking that early. I guess i'm just looking for alittle advice and some supportive friends. I know the first thing people are going to think is "you need to leave that loser" bad thing is, is that i know i do. i just dont know how. I love him, I dont know why or how, but I do.
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hi maria 
i am also new to the site i don't think anyone here is going to judge or critisize you
on wether or not you should leave your boyfriend, that is a hard decision to make
and we are all here because we have someone we love who has a problem i myself don't know what to do, all i can say is every morning when i get up i ask for courage to make it through another day and i come to this site and know that i am not alone.
i am also new to the site i don't think anyone here is going to judge or critisize you
on wether or not you should leave your boyfriend, that is a hard decision to make
and we are all here because we have someone we love who has a problem i myself don't know what to do, all i can say is every morning when i get up i ask for courage to make it through another day and i come to this site and know that i am not alone.
QUOTE(Marti @ Aug 10 2004, 05:36 PM)
QUOTE(Sharon F @ Aug 10 2004, 04:14 PM)
I'm in love with (and married to) an active alcoholic.
i am new at this. my boyfriend that i live with is in rehab now. he floored me today by telling me he thinks i should move and just see each other......i can't do that i love him too much.
Be that as it may, I spend so much time fixating on HIS drinking and HIS shortcomings, that I don't spend any time on my own faults. And I need to.
How do I even begin?
i am new at this. my boyfriend that i live with is in rehab now. he floored me today by telling me he thinks i should move and just see each other......i can't do that i love him too much.
Be that as it may, I spend so much time fixating on HIS drinking and HIS shortcomings, that I don't spend any time on my own faults. And I need to.
How do I even begin?
Hi!
I found your post - this site is new to me but similar to an art site I belong to.
My story is similar to yours ; my ex was a "dry alcoholic" - he didn't drink but he was an alcoholic in his behaviours and such. We divorced after 10 years of marriage (12 years ago).
Now I am involved with a guy who (surprise!) is an alcoholic. This revelation came about two weeks ago when I went to Montana to visit with him... He lived here in NJ for 8 months of our courtship and then moved to Montana to "care for his mom and stepdad" (who had a stroke but was really doing quite well). I came to find out that the REAL reason he moved was because his license had been suspended in CA a year anda half before - he'd been driving with a license that appeared to be valid but, in fact, had been suspended. When the time came for his renewal, he knew he wouldn't be able to get it, and without a "valid" license, he couldn't drive anywhere... so he moved home.
I was suspicious that "perhaps" he had a "problem," but he's a charmer and a master manipulator - I chose to believe his lies and excuses... those days are over though... after several incredibly irrational arguments (via telephone) and witnessing some pretty heavy drinking the few times I traveled to MT. to visit, I finally met up with his siblings on my last trip, two weeks ago, and they confirmed that he is, indeed, and alcoholic.
It all hit the proverbial fan on Sunday night - another irrational argument followed by a restless night full of drunks and MORE irrational arguments... I woke up Sunday and sent off an email to him - basically telling him "me or the booze"
I've been in contact with his sisters - one thinks I did the right thing, the other thinks I was a bit extreme... I don't know what to think!
Like your husband, my b/f is a pleasant drinker -- sweet and loving (most of the time) when he's drinking. He tends to be much more affectionate but he can occasionally swing just as hard in the complete opposite direction - not that he gets physically abusive, but he does get nasty and irrational... and I can't deal with that whole Jeckyll and Hyde thing.
I was supposed to move to Montana to live with him but I'm thinking he needs to do something about his disease before I take that leap of faith and get more tangled up in it than I already am...
As far as your problem is concerned, I wouldn't know where to begin to help you... I understand the whole "focusing on him" thing... I'd give up on trying to fix him - those are HIS weeds in HIS garden... let HIM fix it. Perhaps you should also be focusing less on you "faults" and more on taking care of yourself and keeping yourself emotionally healthy...
Just dos centavos from someone who also trys to weed everyone else' s garden while my own is being overrun...
Marti
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QUOTE(startingover @ Feb 26 2005, 05:42 PM)
my boyfriend that i have been living with for two years is in rehab right now. I went to see him today and he told me he thinks i should move and he wants to start over. i know exactlyhow you feel......i am crushed!!
I don't know what is wrong with me. I have been dealing with my alcoholic husband for over 10 years. We have always had good income but he blew everything so we have nothing to show for our hard work. He has been verbally abusive to me many times and even says things to my children at times that makes me hurt. He hates to be at home because he cannot drink here. He stays gone all the time with his "buddies" who like to party as much as he does. He has tried to quit drinking numerous times but it never lasts. He has gone to counseling but that never lasts more than a session or two. He has busted up walls and cars and has more traffic tickets (DUI included) than I can remember. It is like watching a time bomb..waiting for him to explode next. Other times he would break down crying and talk about all he could depend on was me and how he was going to do better. Well, last Fall he left me. He comes to the house to see the kids weekly and is very nice to me but I know by several different things I have found out by accident that is partying like crazy. Drinking during the day and racking up a DUI. Why can't I stop hurting over this?? I mean he is gone, I have money in the bank for the first time ever, my kids are fine, and he and I no longer fight or have ugly conversations. But I hurt so bad that he is gone and I worry. I hate that he is still drinking and that it is no longer "my problem" to lie about or fix for him so why do I hurt so bad sometimes. Why doesn't he want me anymore? I have been the only stable influence he has had in his life. How can he walk away from me? I am so screwed up in the head.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I have been dealing with my alcoholic husband for over 10 years. We have always had good income but he blew everything so we have nothing to show for our hard work. He has been verbally abusive to me many times and even says things to my children at times that makes me hurt. He hates to be at home because he cannot drink here. He stays gone all the time with his "buddies" who like to party as much as he does. He has tried to quit drinking numerous times but it never lasts. He has gone to counseling but that never lasts more than a session or two. He has busted up walls and cars and has more traffic tickets (DUI included) than I can remember. It is like watching a time bomb..waiting for him to explode next. Other times he would break down crying and talk about all he could depend on was me and how he was going to do better. Well, last Fall he left me. He comes to the house to see the kids weekly and is very nice to me but I know by several different things I have found out by accident that is partying like crazy. Drinking during the day and racking up a DUI. Why can't I stop hurting over this?? I mean he is gone, I have money in the bank for the first time ever, my kids are fine, and he and I no longer fight or have ugly conversations. But I hurt so bad that he is gone and I worry. I hate that he is still drinking and that it is no longer "my problem" to lie about or fix for him so why do I hurt so bad sometimes. Why doesn't he want me anymore? I have been the only stable influence he has had in his life. How can he walk away from me? I am so screwed up in the head.
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QUOTE(Sharon F @ Aug 10 2004, 05:14 PM)
I'm in love with (and married to) an active alcoholic.
My first husband is also an alcoholic. We were divorced over 25 years ago. Now, after all these years, I've married another.
It's different this time. This time I KNEW the man I was marrying is an alcoholic. Yet, at the age of 52, and knowing and understanding alcoholism, I married him and believed he would change.
And, perhaps he will. I know he wants to, but hasn't been able to push past the disease. He's a very pleasant drinker. Cheerful...energetic...gets lots of things done around the house and in the workshop...but an active alcoholic, nevertheless...and not the man I love, when he drinks. He also doesn't earn much income as a result of his drinking.
Be that as it may, I spend so much time fixating on HIS drinking and HIS shortcomings, that I don't spend any time on my own faults. And I need to.
How do I even begin?
Begin with al anon. It has helped me. And it couldn't hurt to try. I get so mad at my husband when he drinks but he's not abusive. He's actually better acting but he's an alcoholic. It hurts. Take care of you. It will eventually get better. My prayers are with you.My first husband is also an alcoholic. We were divorced over 25 years ago. Now, after all these years, I've married another.
It's different this time. This time I KNEW the man I was marrying is an alcoholic. Yet, at the age of 52, and knowing and understanding alcoholism, I married him and believed he would change.
And, perhaps he will. I know he wants to, but hasn't been able to push past the disease. He's a very pleasant drinker. Cheerful...energetic...gets lots of things done around the house and in the workshop...but an active alcoholic, nevertheless...and not the man I love, when he drinks. He also doesn't earn much income as a result of his drinking.
Be that as it may, I spend so much time fixating on HIS drinking and HIS shortcomings, that I don't spend any time on my own faults. And I need to.
How do I even begin?
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needfaith
i don't know what to do. i love my husband very much, but i can't live with his drinking. we both grew up with fathers who had alcohol problems. and i just realized how bad my husbands is. it hurts so much, i feel like he cares about it more than his family if he can't give it up. it's easier for him to deal with my anger than my tears, so he'll provoke me until i just can't stand it anymore, i say horrible things to him and i tell him to leave, but i don't mean it and i'm sorry right away, but he can never forgive my outbursts and i don't blame him. i'm afraid that he will leave, and i love him so much, i don't want to live without him. we have an 11 month old son, and we both love him dearly, and neither of us want him to grow up with this problem in his family.
QUOTE(Marti @ Aug 21 2004, 11:27 AM)
QUOTE(Julia @ Aug 17 2004, 06:00 PM)
I hate who he becomes when he drinks. I hate the lying and I hate the fact that I don't trust him anymore. I resent the fact that alcohol deprives me of his company. I've been thinking about Al-Anon for awhile but this is the first time I've done anything about it. I'm soooooooooooo tired and I don't know what to do.
Julia,
I can totally relate to what you said about hating who he becomes... I call it the Jeckyll and Hyde factor - never knowing if it's the guy I love or his evil twin...
I, too, have been contemplating Al-Anon for a while but after our most recent argument (he was drunk) I knew I needed help and I knew I could not handle this on my own.
Have you actually gone to a meeting? I know where and when there is one locally but... well, OK, I'm scared. Scared that I'll be the only one there, scared that I won't know what they're doing -- scared that I won't "fit in" --- but I know I need to go so, once again I say, "maybe this week"
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[FONT=Arial][COLOR=purple]i went to my first meeting a few weeks ago and as the old saying goes there is strength in numbers, i felt some of the strength in the room rub off on me and it got me through a few more days, so you should definately go to a meeting to also find relief in the form of strength which if you need it is there. 
Julia,
I can totally relate to what you said about hating who he becomes... I call it the Jeckyll and Hyde factor - never knowing if it's the guy I love or his evil twin...
I, too, have been contemplating Al-Anon for a while but after our most recent argument (he was drunk) I knew I needed help and I knew I could not handle this on my own.
Have you actually gone to a meeting? I know where and when there is one locally but... well, OK, I'm scared. Scared that I'll be the only one there, scared that I won't know what they're doing -- scared that I won't "fit in" --- but I know I need to go so, once again I say, "maybe this week"
QUOTE(Marti @ Aug 21 2004, 11:27 AM)
QUOTE(Julia @ Aug 17 2004, 06:00 PM)
I hate who he becomes when he drinks. I hate the lying and I hate the fact that I don't trust him anymore. I resent the fact that alcohol deprives me of his company. I've been thinking about Al-Anon for awhile but this is the first time I've done anything about it. I'm soooooooooooo tired and I don't know what to do.
Julia,
I can totally relate to what you said about hating who he becomes... I call it the Jeckyll and Hyde factor - never knowing if it's the guy I love or his evil twin...
I, too, have been contemplating Al-Anon for a while but after our most recent argument (he was drunk) I knew I needed help and I knew I could not handle this on my own.
Have you actually gone to a meeting? I know where and when there is one locally but... well, OK, I'm scared. Scared that I'll be the only one there, scared that I won't know what they're doing -- scared that I won't "fit in" --- but I know I need to go so, once again I say, "maybe this week"
[snapback]128[/snapback]
i went to my first meeting a few weeks ago and as the old saying goes there is strength in numbers, i felt some of the strength in the room rub off on me and it got me through a few more days, so you should definately go to a meeting to also find relief in the form of strength which if you need it is there.
Julia,
I can totally relate to what you said about hating who he becomes... I call it the Jeckyll and Hyde factor - never knowing if it's the guy I love or his evil twin...
I, too, have been contemplating Al-Anon for a while but after our most recent argument (he was drunk) I knew I needed help and I knew I could not handle this on my own.
Have you actually gone to a meeting? I know where and when there is one locally but... well, OK, I'm scared. Scared that I'll be the only one there, scared that I won't know what they're doing -- scared that I won't "fit in" --- but I know I need to go so, once again I say, "maybe this week"
QUOTE(Marti @ Aug 21 2004, 11:27 AM)
QUOTE(Julia @ Aug 17 2004, 06:00 PM)
I hate who he becomes when he drinks. I hate the lying and I hate the fact that I don't trust him anymore. I resent the fact that alcohol deprives me of his company. I've been thinking about Al-Anon for awhile but this is the first time I've done anything about it. I'm soooooooooooo tired and I don't know what to do.
Julia,
I can totally relate to what you said about hating who he becomes... I call it the Jeckyll and Hyde factor - never knowing if it's the guy I love or his evil twin...
I, too, have been contemplating Al-Anon for a while but after our most recent argument (he was drunk) I knew I needed help and I knew I could not handle this on my own.
Have you actually gone to a meeting? I know where and when there is one locally but... well, OK, I'm scared. Scared that I'll be the only one there, scared that I won't know what they're doing -- scared that I won't "fit in" --- but I know I need to go so, once again I say, "maybe this week"
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Thanks everyone for their responses...My name is Jim and my partner is an addict. I have tried going to a few meetings...but I hate going. But I guess I need to be there.
I have been in another 12-step program for my own recovery for 16 years and have been successful. I also think I have been trying to work that program around this issue.
This week seems to be bottom for both of us...I walked into house and found him smoking crystal with some guy....
In the past he had been mainly pot and alcohol.
This seemed so real. I guess I could not deny it then...
So the denial has been riped away. I think for both of us.
I have started to distance myself. He has actually called for counseling...
Some of recent insights have been:
-we both were expecting me to save him
-while he says he wants me happy, he has a way of picking fights (at times when I am happy) to make me unhappy
-he is jealous of my success, family, friends and life
I have been in another 12-step program for my own recovery for 16 years and have been successful. I also think I have been trying to work that program around this issue.
This week seems to be bottom for both of us...I walked into house and found him smoking crystal with some guy....
In the past he had been mainly pot and alcohol. This seemed so real. I guess I could not deny it then...
So the denial has been riped away. I think for both of us.
I have started to distance myself. He has actually called for counseling...
Some of recent insights have been:
-we both were expecting me to save him
-while he says he wants me happy, he has a way of picking fights (at times when I am happy) to make me unhappy
-he is jealous of my success, family, friends and life
QUOTE(Pantherone @ Aug 23 2004, 11:19 PM)
I heard this years ago at an Al-anon meeting and have never forgot it.
"Think about how difficult it is to change yourself. Then think about how much more difficult it would be to change somebody else."
You have to live with whatever actions you take. Nobody else can tell you what to do. They can only share their own experience.
Twenty years ago I was given an ultimatum by a partner. And I stopped drinking. I didn't go to meetings, but I did stop drinking. I was a dry drunk, unhappy and unknowingly resentful of my partner that I could no longer drink. The resentment grew stronger and stronger. It took only 6 months to come to the surface and for me to pick up the booze again. The relationship only survived a couple more months.
I honestly believe that it would have been better for both of us if I had not given in to the ultimatum. It would have saved a lot of anger and heartbreak on both our parts. Eventually I did get sober. But I had to do it on my own time, not somebody elses.
Hi, I relate to your experience. I am a spouse of an alcoholic. I had given my souse the ultimatium to quit drinking or the marriage was over. After his 3rd major abdominal surgery, he swore to me if he got better, he would stop drinking. He stopped with the help of the doctors giving him medication, that he was not aware of, but once he found out what the medication was for, he stopped taking it (if taken w/alcohol, it made him sick). Once he recovered, he began hanging out again with his alcoholic friends. Due to problems with diabetes, he is disabled. He is gone everyday, early morning to late evenings. He says his friends coax him to have a drink and that he wouldn't drink because I would get mad at him, but he can't leave his friends alone. He began to come home with alcohol on his breath, stating he had a beer with the boys. His obsessionwith his friends after 3 months was increasing. I would speak with him about it and he would assure me he had things under control. He is now 1 year past his most recent surgery and drinking six to seven days a week (back to normal). I have gotten to the point, that I can't stand to be near him, because once I smell the alcohol, I get very angry and act out. I recently asked him to leave the house, which he has not done, but physically, he is gone everyday. I hope, since you have gone thru this issues with your spouse, you can give me some most needed direction
I hope that some of this might be helpful to you.
"Think about how difficult it is to change yourself. Then think about how much more difficult it would be to change somebody else."
You have to live with whatever actions you take. Nobody else can tell you what to do. They can only share their own experience.
Twenty years ago I was given an ultimatum by a partner. And I stopped drinking. I didn't go to meetings, but I did stop drinking. I was a dry drunk, unhappy and unknowingly resentful of my partner that I could no longer drink. The resentment grew stronger and stronger. It took only 6 months to come to the surface and for me to pick up the booze again. The relationship only survived a couple more months.
I honestly believe that it would have been better for both of us if I had not given in to the ultimatum. It would have saved a lot of anger and heartbreak on both our parts. Eventually I did get sober. But I had to do it on my own time, not somebody elses.
Hi, I relate to your experience. I am a spouse of an alcoholic. I had given my souse the ultimatium to quit drinking or the marriage was over. After his 3rd major abdominal surgery, he swore to me if he got better, he would stop drinking. He stopped with the help of the doctors giving him medication, that he was not aware of, but once he found out what the medication was for, he stopped taking it (if taken w/alcohol, it made him sick). Once he recovered, he began hanging out again with his alcoholic friends. Due to problems with diabetes, he is disabled. He is gone everyday, early morning to late evenings. He says his friends coax him to have a drink and that he wouldn't drink because I would get mad at him, but he can't leave his friends alone. He began to come home with alcohol on his breath, stating he had a beer with the boys. His obsessionwith his friends after 3 months was increasing. I would speak with him about it and he would assure me he had things under control. He is now 1 year past his most recent surgery and drinking six to seven days a week (back to normal). I have gotten to the point, that I can't stand to be near him, because once I smell the alcohol, I get very angry and act out. I recently asked him to leave the house, which he has not done, but physically, he is gone everyday. I hope, since you have gone thru this issues with your spouse, you can give me some most needed direction
I hope that some of this might be helpful to you.
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