Imagine my surprise when I clicked into this forum to find I am the moderator. Hmm, don't remember saying I would do this but then again-----I seem to inevitably stand in the "stupid volunteers line"
Anyway sounds like fun.

So, what does anyone want to talk about? We have had several people in the
e-mail meetings talk about their relationships with their husbands.
I don't have a husband, I have an X husband. He is living with me at the moment ( this is a fairly new arrangement, don't know how long it will last) but we don't have a relationship other then friends. He has been my friend for a long time. I am 59 years old. Relationships aren't so black and white anymore. There is a lot of gray area.
I know people who don't live with the love of their life and do live (like me) with people for the sake of convenience.
Here in FLA there are a lot of old people whose relationships fit their life style.
Some stay here while the spouse goes North for the Summer and vice-a verse-a.
And there are a lot of relationships that are--uhm, how shall I say, "live together and don't marry so we don't lose our Social Security--relationships.
I also know people that have found the "love of their life"
Aren't they lucky ? (Said with genuine affection)
I am not one of those people.
I was engaged for five years a long time ago and thought he was the love of my life but after this many years, I doubt it.
So how are your relationships?
Are you willing to share.?
I can tell you that the 12 step program helped me to figure out my feelings toward my X and enabled me to be honest with him about my feelings.
That is why we are divorced but still friends.
Personally, I think a GOOD relationship starts slow and you work out the feelings and then you work on the interactions, and then after quite a while you think about your future together.
I wish I'd had sense enough to do that when I was younger.
Ok, enough from me. I am an old person, how about you young people.
Tell me what its like now?
Hugs,
PamW

Hi, Pam! Thanks for taking on this forum!

I happen to be an alcoholic, recovered, fortunately. Those 12 Steps, which are similar for all 12-Step programs, worked perfectly for my alcoholism. It took me a number of years before I realized that they -- the Steps -- were all about relationships: my relationship with myself, with God, with you and other friends, with employers and romantic partners -- even with my pets and my laundry!

Today, I feel so very, very fortunate to have found a plan for living (those Steps again) that works. It's not always easy, but it is simple.

Hi Pam.. ok, I'll bite. I can talk a bit about my relationships. In my lifetime I have had 2 long standing loves. My first was the "childhood sweetheart" thing and it lasted for 16 years. Then I got sober and didn't like it anymore. Lots of reasons, noone's fault. I did what everyone told me NOT to do, and decided to rush into a divorce. The timing was wrong and the pain it was causing me just wasn't worth it, so I backed down. A few years later HE asked for a divorce and then all went smoothly.

My second husband I met in AA. We got married in '83 and these years have been the most wonderful years of my life. Each day is filled with things we want to share with each other. Through all the sicknesses and deaths and various other sadnesses that filter into our lives .. we have held each other up. I am very, very blessed.

This is most definitely a result of AA.... we met across the tables !!

Pam,
What a good subject for Me. I have played the revolving door in this program for many years. I am now 49 years old and still working on my first 30 days of sobriety.
It took me 10 years to get a full knowledge of my condition.
I find now that my disease took away my ability to care about anyone but, myself, however, my Higher Power is now running my life.
I am having problems in my Marriage. But, hey a lot of drinking will make a skeptic of anyone.
I don't have alot of experience, strength, but, I do have alot of hope.
I am so very very grateful for the chance to find a sober life again and I just want to say that I grateful that my Higher Power is teaching me that relationships belong in His hands and when He is ready He will give me the answer.
Cecil

Hello

I am 8 months into my recovery and am having the most dificult period so far.. Against all advice I got into a relationship whilst in treatment and consequently fell in love.. things have now gone pear-shaped and I'm in bits.. The only thing stopping me from drinking at the moment is the fact that I'm in 3rd stage accomodation and if I get caught, I will be on the street.

I have lost my confidence and my ability to communicate.. I find nothing interests me, nothing excites me and nothing inspires me. I went to my 1st meeting in about 3 months (only my 4th in total) last night and although it didn't do me any harm.. It merely postponed the crap in my head.. which started again just as strongly the moment I walked out of the door.

I don't know why I'm writing this.. probably because I know I won't have the confidence to share at the meeting I'm going to tonight.

The good news is: we don't die from a broken heart.

One of the things about sobriety is learning how to suffer.

The bad news is that a broken heart is painful no matter how much sobriety one has.

I've had experience with both!

When I got sober, I was about 13 emotionally. I had to grow up. It took some time.

The thing that helped hold me together was being around people. I didn't want to talk to those people, and nothing they said made me feel better. But just having them around gave me some hope that I wouldn't die of those broken hearts.

Hang in there.

Thanks.. I am hanging in there..

The meeting I went to Sunday night was helpfull.. A few people were talking about relationships and I found I could relate to a lot of what was said.

I suppose I've got a lot of growing up to do emotionally too, although that doesn't sit that comfortably with me at the moment..

Thanks again

That's great, monkeyarranger. Sometimes, all we can do is get through the day. Ouch. An important thing for me was to learn from those kinds of experiences. Well, okay, I'm a slow learner, and I had to go through some rather painful relationships before I figured out that I didn't have to go through them.

It's going to be okay. Really.

relationships have to be enjoyed(worked on) from both sides.I had arelationship with a young lady and neither one of us had 30 days and instead of listening to take time we went ahead and it ended in disaster. After time for my "poor mes" I got into working on MY sobriety with a wonderful sponsor whom I told all aboutthe lost love and he told me if it was to be my HP would take care of it BUT i HAD TO GET SOBER FIRST, so I did what I was told and realy got into the fellowship(program). When I was coming up on my firdst year my love appeared again and we got together under our sponsors directions. I haver celebrated 23 years of sobriety anmd 22 years of a "beyond my wildest dreams" marriage we both still have sponsors and work our programs without eachothers help and we now and for a while have been members in the same group and YES it can be done. I would love to hear about more positive relationships which I know there are many whether one in the fellowship or both in. Both AA and relationships WORK IF YOU WORK IT. Love you all Jerry H HAVE A GOOD DAY

Glad toknow about the online alanon email situation. I am a 5 month member of alanon and am married one year to an addict. I AM getting better, but am trying to decide if I can stay in this relationship for one more year while I try to get myself well.

Because of my sick need for abandonment, I am entangled with someone who gives me what I want some of the time then takes it all away when I am least expecting it. I am on a roller coaster with someone who must love to see me upset. He is extremely selfish and non giving, along with criticism of me and I have tried too hard to please him.

Thank God for Alanon, I now don't do that anymore. But it still hurts, because I always have hope he will try recovery and stop wanting to hurt me so much. As I say I am new in the program, so I will just "keep coming back" until I can figure things out. Thanks for listening or "reading'" anyway.