My husband and I have been married for over 9 years. This is the last year that I can take advantage of VA educational benefits, which will pay for certification (a degree) in my current career and will allow me to make a decent living; so I just quit my job to go back to college for a year. Now, after over two years of sobriety, my husband has decided to drink (again). This is emotionally devastating to me and financial trouble will soon follow.

Although staying in school (while my spouse is actively alcoholic) may speed us toward bankruptcy, it is the only hope I have of earning enough money on my own in the future to leave him and to support myself and my daughter - without my husband's VA disability.

Maybe I'm kidding myself; but I've been down this road too many times to want to go down it, again. Advice is not what I want. I just need some support to get me through the financial hardship, to complete my degree and to start over with my daughter (who now hates me for not leaving my husband).

I want to hear what other Alanons have to say . . .

Hi Ivey,
I just joined this forum, but have been an Al-Anon member for over a year. When I came to Al-Anon, I had tried everything I knew to try to make things better for me and Mr Magic. I was at the end. I was ready to leave or at least run away for a while.

I started attending Al-Anon meetings. Each meeting I attended gave me something that I could use to begin to heal. They told me to take the focus off the alcoholic, and start learning to care for and love myself. I buried myself in the literature. I was so ready for something to change. I always thought that change would come from someone else changing. I never knew that if I changed myself, I wouldn't need everyone and everything to change.

Loving an alcoholic is not an easy road. Seeing someone destroyed by alcoholism/addiction is a painful thing. Learning to allow someone to be responsible for thier own well being, or lack of it, is hard. Learning to pull ourself up, even if they don't choose the same path is scary. And learning to forgive them for not being capable of taking care of themself, let alone us, is difficult.

I chose to give Al-Anon a year before I decided whether to call it quits or stay. After all the years I had put in trying it my way, one year trying another way didn't seem like a lot. That year gave me a chance, not to focus on our relationship, but a relationship with myself. I learned to love without losing myself. I learned that it was ok to take care of myself, and not be a victim. It taught me that I was responsible for my own happiness. And it taught me that I could be happy, whether the alcoholic was still drinking or not.

I know that it has been a while since you posted this. I hope that you have found some peace and healing since then. But if you haven't, I hope that this message may give you some hope. There are so many people in Al-Anon who have overcome adversity and are living a fulfilling life. They have helped me to do the same. Maybe they can help you too. You are in my prayers, Magic

Dear Magic,

Your words have brought me a tremendous amount of comfort and inspiration! They are now part of the "peace and healing" I am finding in people like you.

I have found a local Al-Anon group in my town that meets on Thursday nights. As you so wisely suggest, the time there will not be used "to focus on 'our' relationship, but [on] a relationship with myself".

Please, keep posting your message of hope on as many web boards as possible. The impact of it has already reached farther than you know!

I just wished that you were here to give a real hug to . . .

Love,
Ivey

Ivey,
You sound like you are still young enough to start over with your daughter. I lived with active alcoholism for about 10 years when my spouse joined AA (by way of detox and two stays in a 28 day program). We had 18 years of him in AA and me in Alanon. I never thought I would have to experience living with an active alcoholic again but 7 years ago he started drinking again. It's very different this time. He may go a few weeks and then boom. I never know when it's going to rear it's ugly head. I'm retired now and am fortunate to be living a comfortable life playing tennis and golf and making new friends. I'm also tired of covering up and wasting time wishing things were different. I'm beginning to feel life as a single woman would be a much better solution for serenity in my life at this point. Only you can decide what is the best option for you. For me, after 37 years of marriage I don't know if I have the guts to make a move to get me the serenity I desire. Good luck to you, I hope you make the right decision for your life.