I knew it had been coming for at least a year - probably longer. One day I would have to take that tough love step and INTERVENE. I love him so much and he is just killing himself with his drinking. In spite of his repeated proclamations "I can deal with this myself", and "you know what a private person I am", I realized that if I didn't do something to get the ball rolling toward his recovery, I would end up getting one of those phone calls... you the ones I'm talking about..."Hello? Is this Mrs. ___? There's been an accident..."

So tonight I called the police and had him taken to detox. Ohhhhh, the glare he gave me... I felt it right to my bones. All I could say was "I love you".

But I know that I am doing this out of love and concern for him, his health and our relationship.

Now I sit here alone, at my computer, asking myself (and anyone else that may be listening)... Will he still love me in the morning?

hmmmmmmmm

Mara,
Hi,
Although I am a member of AA and I am not sure if you are talking
about a child or a husband, I sympathize.
My sponsor, Lulie, early on made me go sit in an alanon meeting and listen for a bit.
What I learned about was how to Let go and Let God, Detach With Love, and Tough Love.
Also Live and Let Live but that's for another time.

Tough Love.

When I was about a month away from joining AA and pregnant with my third out of wedlock child ( I'd lost the other two)
my mother called me in Washington DC., from Ohio to let me know that they had disowned me.
That they couldn't handle my choices anymore and that they couldn't abide with my actions anymore.
So-----sorry, "We love you Pam but you are killing us." The END.

It worked I was in the program within a month.

Was it because of them? Who knows.
I think it was because of a number of things.
Mostly, I was "sick and tired of being sick and tired."
Did what they did add to the sick and tiredness? You bet it did.
I can remember the weariness I felt when she called, to this day.

"He" will come around, have faith and do what you have to do for him.
I credit my parents with loving me enough and being brave enough to
use tough love. It really does work. I am proof.
There is nothing wrong with greasing the slide.
I am praying for you and for him.
PamW

I am falling apart. I am at a loss for a solution. I have a man who I love....unless he's drinking. He treats me well, but drinks to black out regularly. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I have tried to talk to him. I am beginning to feel like I am setting myself up to be hurt so i have an excuse to leave. I know it's not right .... That's why I am reaching out? Can anyone help?

Thanks

melanie, you don't need an excuse to leave, you may be wanting to 'make' a reason for leaving that takes it out of your hands. you should really be looking at what you can do for you. i am an alcoholic, and i know that the best thing you can do is do what is best for YOU. when you shift your focus to your own recovery you make your alcoholic responsible for their own stuff. and that is exactly what he needs most. no one of us got sober because we were having a 'slow day'. we have to be miserable enough to do anything to change it. even if means giving up alcohol.
but, if you do what you can for yourself, you will be doing the best thing for both of you. it really does work that way. ((((((((melanie))))))))) i wish you well.
you might try calling and looking for alanon meetings in your area. it really is better when you can see others that understand your situation and have lived it and are walking through to the other side, into the solution.
peace,
don
(moderator- sorry for the previous post. new format for me.)

Don,
Thanks for the response. I have looked into meetings but there aren't any in my area. (2hr drive to the nearest one and I don't drive).
I am certainly grateful for your suggestions and will try to keep the focus on me. What I find most difficult is the frustration when the phone rings about this time (as it just did) and hear " I'm going out, don't wait up, I might have a few drinks", which inevitably turns into a drunken blackout.
My shoulders tense at the thought that St.Patricks day is this week...because for me it just means another night of worry.
I have been told let go and let God, change my perspective and so forth...but at 3am when I wake up unable to sleep I can't take my mind off it.

Are there any other sights or chats you would reccomend?
Thanks for listening.

Melanie B

hi mara
i'm new here and also looking for someone to talk to i think if your comfortable in the decission you made stick by it and try to stay strong.
hopefully he will understand what you did you did out of love for him and your relationship.

p.s
keep the faith!

[B]

Mara, First ...HOW DID YOU GET THE POLICE TO TAKE HIM TO DETOX...My Son stood there peeing his pants,after sh**ing in them and after trying to steal his brothers car, and the police just told us to put him to bed. Well we thought he was in bed,but crawled out his window, thinking he had the key to his brothers car, but had the door key,not the ignation key. He rolled his brothers car into a new Audi,so new it had no plates. That was the last time but I can sit here for 3 days and tell you all the crap his drinking has done to our family. Mara YES!!! I think you did the right thing,sure hes mad at you now and probley will be for a few more months,but you have to think which is better living with a drunk who could easyly die young....I don't know how old you are. You are smart enough to know it would only get worse, untill he 'wanted' to stop or be forced to stop after, killing someone or even himself,or injuring himself so you have him to care for him the rest of his life. A man 'Don' who lived down the street,who got all the kids started on pot,thats a whole nother story,was injured lost part of one arm, was stuck in a wheelchair, cause at 24 he climed a telephone pole, to show off,yep he was drunk. He spent his days sitting in his garage drinking all day, he died at 46 2 yrs ago, I think he wanted to drink himself to death, his son was 24,old enough to take care of himself,his som was born midley retarted they both lived with Dons mother who at 71 is still working. She told me she would love just an apt. byherself,but knows Eric can't take care of himself,he does get Gov. money of $780.00, cause of his disabilty,but thats not enough to live on.. So Mara you could of been in the same place or worse,you did what you had to do, I for one am very proud of you.If you want to talk more, mail me, somehow we'll exchange numbers. Don't fell quilty in any way, you also did it for him,if he never comes back, well...think of what your life could be 10-20 yrs from now, unless you want to live that way, that is your choice. Keep us posted,cry on our sholders,were all here for you,and don't let him talk you in to taking him back untill he works the program. I'AM PROUD OF YOU GIRL...hope to hear from you soon. hugs and kisses, Pegi