hi guys,
i'm new to this forum.
i'm in a situation with my mum and 2 brothers....one of whom is an alcholic.
my mother had alzhimers and one of my brothers refuse to help...the other A one i wouldnt leave him to look after mum alone, cause he always has drink taken.
anyway my problem is that 5 months ago we fell out and are not talking to each other.
i'm in acoa, and realise that i need to put down boundried with both brothers, and although i dont want the relationship i had with them back( the me do everything, while they just take relationship)
i do want to be on speaking terms with them.
but dont know if they will respect my boundries, as they havent in the past.
being an acoa i dont know where to start on this without taking a step back in my recovery and do the fixing again.
all i know is that i am happier without them sucking the life out of me, but strangly enough, i miss them.....not in regards to running around after them, but as part of my family.
any idea how to sort this out, or am i in the wrong forum?
irish
Full Version: Family
Hi,
I had a horribly hard time with boundries.
It took me years to find mine and stick to them.
I think it's because ours have always been trampled over
so we think there really isn't such a thing or even if there
are people just ignore them anyway.
What I found is that boundries come from inside.
They aren't something your brothers respect or trample over.
ONLY YOU can stop them. So maybe it would help to
only let them in a little bit. Start with ------ say, phone calls.
And keep it at that for a while and if they get to pushy back off to
square one. The thing I had to deal with when I set boundries
was the rejection I sometimes got because I set them. But I
found the rejection easier to deal with in the long run then the messes
I let other people cause in my life.
Well, enough from me, I could go on and on about this topic.
Hugs,
PamW
I had a horribly hard time with boundries.
It took me years to find mine and stick to them.
I think it's because ours have always been trampled over
so we think there really isn't such a thing or even if there
are people just ignore them anyway.
What I found is that boundries come from inside.
They aren't something your brothers respect or trample over.
ONLY YOU can stop them. So maybe it would help to
only let them in a little bit. Start with ------ say, phone calls.
And keep it at that for a while and if they get to pushy back off to
square one. The thing I had to deal with when I set boundries
was the rejection I sometimes got because I set them. But I
found the rejection easier to deal with in the long run then the messes
I let other people cause in my life.
Well, enough from me, I could go on and on about this topic.
Hugs,
PamW
Hi, I'm Jim S (snuffy). I 'm just realizing I've gone through life emotionally unattached to anyone. I didn't get any affection from anyone including my parents who were alcoholic and abusive to me.
Now, at 62, after nearly 31 years of not drinking/drugging I'm in therapy, planning together with my therapist, to learn about healthy relationships. It's either that or die--literally.
I know I can learn things through other members also. I feel a ray of hope at times. Sometimes it eludes me, but that's kinda gotta be okay.
Bye for now,
Snuffy---Jim S.
Now, at 62, after nearly 31 years of not drinking/drugging I'm in therapy, planning together with my therapist, to learn about healthy relationships. It's either that or die--literally.
I know I can learn things through other members also. I feel a ray of hope at times. Sometimes it eludes me, but that's kinda gotta be okay.
Bye for now,
Snuffy---Jim S.
((((JIM))))
Hello Dear!!
Glad you posted here!!
You are doing great!! I am glad you joined our group and posted here.
Love,
E
Hello Dear!!
Glad you posted here!!
You are doing great!! I am glad you joined our group and posted here.
Love,
E
Hi Irish & Pam W. JIm S here--snuffy.. Irish I'm not real sure what to say in reply to your post, but my heart goes out to you just the same. but I'll try anyway tho.
Everyone needs to have/set boundaries. There have been people that crossed boundaries with me, and now that I stopped blaming myself for that, I'm real angry with them--that is where my anger belongs, but I still have to watch it for my sake.
People hurting me in any way, shape or form is no longer acceptable--no way!!
People that love us will not cross those lines around the boundaries.
Maybe for now you should forget and not worry about being on speaking terms with them. In other words, Irish, look out for you and concentrate on getting yourself healed.
I understand about you missing them--they're your brothers Irish. But--if you don't look out for yourself first, then who will? aside from those of us here?
Try to get yourself fixed first--it's up to them to get themselves fixed--they are not your responsibility Irish!
Don't let them convince you that they're your responsibility--they're not!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pam, I liked what you said about you finding and setting boundaries. See ya later--both of ya.
Hugs To Both Of You,
Jim
Everyone needs to have/set boundaries. There have been people that crossed boundaries with me, and now that I stopped blaming myself for that, I'm real angry with them--that is where my anger belongs, but I still have to watch it for my sake.
People hurting me in any way, shape or form is no longer acceptable--no way!!
People that love us will not cross those lines around the boundaries.
Maybe for now you should forget and not worry about being on speaking terms with them. In other words, Irish, look out for you and concentrate on getting yourself healed.
I understand about you missing them--they're your brothers Irish. But--if you don't look out for yourself first, then who will? aside from those of us here?
Try to get yourself fixed first--it's up to them to get themselves fixed--they are not your responsibility Irish!
Don't let them convince you that they're your responsibility--they're not!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pam, I liked what you said about you finding and setting boundaries. See ya later--both of ya.
Hugs To Both Of You,
Jim
QUOTE(snuffy @ Apr 7 2005, 03:50 PM)
Hi Irish & Pam W. JIm S here--snuffy.. Irish I'm not real sure what to say in reply to your post, but my heart goes out to you just the same. but I'll try anyway tho.
Everyone needs to have/set boundaries. There have been people that crossed boundaries with me, and now that I stopped blaming myself for that, I'm real angry with them--that is where my anger belongs, but I still have to watch it for my sake.
People hurting me in any way, shape or form is no longer acceptable--no way!!
People that love us will not cross those lines around the boundaries.
Maybe for now you should forget and not worry about being on speaking terms with them. In other words, Irish, look out for you and concentrate on getting yourself healed.
I understand about you missing them--they're your brothers Irish. But--if you don't look out for yourself first, then who will? aside from those of us here?
Try to get yourself fixed first--it's up to them to get themselves fixed--they are not your responsibility Irish!
Don't let them convince you that they're your responsibility--they're not!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pam, I liked what you said about you finding and setting boundaries. See ya later--both of ya.
Hugs To Both Of You,
Jim
Everyone needs to have/set boundaries. There have been people that crossed boundaries with me, and now that I stopped blaming myself for that, I'm real angry with them--that is where my anger belongs, but I still have to watch it for my sake.
People hurting me in any way, shape or form is no longer acceptable--no way!!
People that love us will not cross those lines around the boundaries.
Maybe for now you should forget and not worry about being on speaking terms with them. In other words, Irish, look out for you and concentrate on getting yourself healed.
I understand about you missing them--they're your brothers Irish. But--if you don't look out for yourself first, then who will? aside from those of us here?
Try to get yourself fixed first--it's up to them to get themselves fixed--they are not your responsibility Irish!
Don't let them convince you that they're your responsibility--they're not!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pam, I liked what you said about you finding and setting boundaries. See ya later--both of ya.
Hugs To Both Of You,
Jim
[snapback]435[/snapback]
thanks guys,
i have set my boundries and stuck to them.
i miss my bros but not so much that i'd be willing to take responsiblity for them again....been there, wore the t.shirt so to speak.
i realised that although we were all reared in the same Alcoholic home and all have more or lee the same issues, but the fact that i'm doing my best in acoa, dosent mean that they have changed too.
only this week i noticed all the mad behaviours in them that i displayed before acoa recovery.
so i suppose i'll have to get on with my life and hope that one day they get some serenity by getting on a 12 step recovery program for adult child of an alcoholic.
cause without recovery they will do what i have did all my life, and thats do whatever they need to do to survive and feel safe....just like i did.
all the best,
love in recovery
irish
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